A recent line from one of my Inner MBA lessons stopped me in my tracks. It articulated something that has formed the basis of my personal meaning-making machinery for many years now:

"When we can stay present with our own fear and insecurity, we are better able to be there for others. You can start to be part of the healing of our world by starting with yourself."

This stuck out to me because I've always thought about my personal interest and investment in positive psychology as not just self-help, but the foundation for my ability to better be there for and serve others.

Many I've spoken to over the years discount self-help and self-compassion as selfish or overly self-absorbed. I contend that it is the fundamental basis for being there for others and not being the source of more harm or chaos in the world.

A common pattern for inter-personal harm

This topic hits harder based on recent conversations I’ve had with friends about their relationships with their fathers, in particular. There’s a connection here, so stay with me. The recurrent pattern with a number of my friends’ fathers seems to be 1) an inability to communicate or articulate a negative emotion that they are feeling, particularly sadness, fear or guilt; 2) the energy from that emotion, which must be released, is released via a more destructive emotion, usually anger, meanness, or withdrawal; and 3) the relationship with their child is damaged to some degree.

My theory for why this happens between fathers and children (cis-hetero fathers in these examples, to clarify) is rooted in my understanding of gender theory. Men, historically, have enjoyed many privileges - economic, physical, and more - but most have never known the privilege of a society that encourages their full emotional capacity. Women are generally expected and encouraged to feel their feelings, to talk about them with friends and family, to cry. This is considered normal and within the range of acceptable "feminine" characteristics.

This is not the case for men. Men are generally expected to display a degree of power and control over their emotions, with the least “masculine” traits being those that betray a weakness or vulnerability, like sadness, fear or guilt. A paper published in the National Center for Biotechnology Information archives articulates the relationship between gender and emotion nicely.

If young men grew up with explicit or even subtle messages that feeling & expressing these emotions would make him less of a "man" and therefore occupy a lower “mate value,” any savvy social animal would take steps to ensure that such weakness would be both concealed and - ideally - snuffed out entirely.

But savvy social reasoning does not always align with realistic biological facts. Normal human emotions, especially those as rooted in biology as fear or guilt, cannot be snuffed out entirely. They exist for a reason, and the energy behind them will always need to be directed somewhere. Any person who believes they're managing their vulnerable emotions through denial or silence is almost certainly unknowingly redirecting them in a harmful way.

Using RAIN to reduce personal chaos & social harm

So what can we do about it? One idea shared in the Inner MBA, as well as dharma circles globally, is the concept of RAIN, invented by master mindfulness guru Tara Brach. Tara describes this practice as a template for "the sacred pause," which can help "create a clearing in the dense forest of your life.” It can help us see more clearly what it is we are experiencing and why.

RAIN consists of four parts:

Recognize: This is the process of naming an emotion or experience, which many studies have proven to lessen the intensity of whatever you're feeling.
Allow: Accept the emotion head-on, rather than burying it with busyness. You can whisper, "This belongs" to your emotion and yourself. Do this without trying to solve or fix anything; you’re simply making space for the emotion to exist.
Investigate: Gently question yourself, with curiosity and kindness, about the emotion you're feeling. Where do you feel it most in your body? Tara recommends asking: "What does this vulnerable place want from me? What does it most need?"
Nurture: This is the moment of self-compassion; "Experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort, soften or open your heart. It might be the mental whisper, I’m here with you. I’m sorry, and I love you. I love you, and I’m listening. It’s not your fault. Trust in your goodness," says Tara.

When I practice RAIN, it's almost always in response to work. It's easy for me to find myself in a state of anxiety due to happenings at work; to feel like I'm not doing enough, not making enough impact, not impressive enough. So I name the feeling with an inner whisper: anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. I remind myself: "This belongs. Let it be." I feel it, somatically, in my nauseous stomach, my quickened heart, in my narrow vision. I put my hand over the source of the pain in my body, one hand on my heart and another on my stomach. With tenderness and pressure, I ask how I can be with this feeling, what it needs from me to feel better.

I want this for fathers everywhere. I want this for everyone everywhere. Because when I take that sacred pause to recognize the fear and anxiety that conflict and insecurity can bring, I give myself so much more grace and create so much more space for an appropriate and growth-minded response, than I do when I simply continue to operate mindlessly within my anxiety. Not only do I feel more like a leader, even if just of my own self, but I feel more whole and grounded.

Let's spread the word: Interest and investment in self has the capacity to change the world for the better. That idea motivates me every day: Every positive action has a ripple effect, just like every negative action. Let's work on ourselves with the goal of sending as many positive ripples into the world. Enough ripples will create a wave. And we need many waves right now.

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Up Next: Lessons in Peace & Contentment from an Active Positive Psychology Practitioner