Managing Stress & Anxiety: What I Learned From “Burnout: Unlocking the Stress Cycle”

April 08, 2022 by Kylee Lessard in Read, Breathe

“I’m back here again. I’m feeling so frustrated with my body, and insecure, and angry at myself for letting this take up so much of my mindspace. I want to be someone who doesn’t let social notions of an acceptable female body rule my life, but I can’t help but want to conform,” I lamented to my therapist.

*Sigh* The conflicted state of mind for a woman never ends.

A few months ago, my therapist recommended a book to me. Although the book was titled “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle,” she’d recommended it in response to a recurring theme in our conversations: how stressful and unfair it feels to be a woman in our world.

The topic has come up for me in so many contexts: how being a woman relates to body image and self-esteem, to our romantic relationships and the emotional labor we put into them, and to over-work in the professional world.

I picked up the book a bit begrudgingly, because, at the time, I didn’t identify with the title. I didn’t feel burnt out at work, the context in which I’m most familiar with the term. I felt stressed about my body and anxious about my relationships and angry at feeling this way all the time.

I was surprised to find that this book could speak soothing words to those familiar feelings, and even set me up to better manage work burnout as it came down the road in my life. “Burnout” is not what I’d call a scientific book, but it’s intuitive and resonant enough that I really liked the tips in it. For your latest BSM book review, below are some of my biggest takeaways for managing stress and anxiety:

What is the stress cycle?

While many of us have come to think of the experience of “stress” as a mental state, authors Emily and Amelia Nagosaki explain stress as being comprised of both a physiological (meaning: of the body) and psychological (meaning: of the mind) response.

The two parts of the stress cycle that we’re most familiar with include “the stressor” (something external, like a lion chasing you) and “the stress response” (internal, involving raised cortisol, adrenaline, and heart rate).

While this is not where the stress cycle ends, it's where most of us find ourselves stuck, due to not “completing the cycle.” When you leave your body flooded with stress hormones for too long, it starts to show up as inflammation in the body.

A quick primer on the subject from Harvard Health shows that, while acute (meaning: time-bound) inflammation is essential to the body’s healing process, chronic inflammation is when “inflammation gets turned up too high and lingers for a long time, and the immune system continues to pump out white blood cells and chemical messengers.” And this form of inflammation is linked to all kinds of diseases, like “heart disease, diabetes, cancer, arthritis, and bowel diseases like Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis.” So kinda bad.

What does it mean to “complete” the stress cycle?

According to the book’s authors, “completing the stress cycle” means helping your body physically process the stress response cocktail of chemicals (cortisol, adrenaline) in your body in order to down-regulate your physiology and clear out inflammation. The best ways to do this, they say, are physical in nature. I break down their top recommendations below.

Exercise

I’ll have to hand it to the authors; there’s so much research validating the link between exercise and the reduction of inflammation. To name a few, one study published in Biological Psychology showed that steady-state exercise proved to be the right intensity for reducing mental stress and inflammation. Another study published in Behavioral Brain Research concluded that: “Long-term voluntary exercise appears to result in decreased anxiety-related behavior.”

It finally makes sense that, after an especially stressful day at work, I - an avowed “non-runner” with a life-long sentence of shin splints - will bolt out the door and run for an hour and call it a good time.

Hug a loved one for 20 seconds

Ty and I thought we invented “standing snuggles” at the beginning of the pandemic as 1) a coping mechanism and 2) a great way to make use of the work-from-home era. As it turns out, this is an age-old secret for reassuring yourself that the person holding you is safe, and thus, you are safe with that person.

One small but recent study by the Western Journal of Communications reported that daily hugging was “significantly” related to reducing inflammatory cytokines in the body. Another larger study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology found that female participants with “positive physical partner contact” (massage, in the case of this study) “exhibited significantly lower cortisol and heart rate responses to stress.” While neither paper is directly related to the idea that a 20-second hug will lower your stress post-stressor, directionally, the evidence seems to support this idea.

Just cry

In trying to find research to support this claim, I stumbled on a fascinating article in Frontiers in Psychology, a peer-reviewed science publisher. It recognized the surprising frequency with which crying has been referenced as a cathartic and healthful practice throughout history. However, it argues that:

“Despite its pervasiveness, the popular claim that crying has intra-individual, and specifically, self-soothing effects, [it] cannot be uncritically accepted when considering the current state of the relevant scientific literature. The empirical record with respect to the question of whether or not crying brings relief and improves mood reveals highly discrepant findings.”

I’d be curious to know in the comments - do you find that you feel better or worse after crying? More or less stressed and inflamed?

Breathe deeply

While there is a ton of research supporting this one, interestingly, it doesn’t resonate with me. I find it almost more stressful to focus on my breathing when I’m in a state of stress or anxiety. But I can admit that a few stabilizing, deep breaths - not necessarily meditation - can beat back a bit of stress or overwhelm in the moment. As far as the research goes, this article in the Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine journal provides a good overview of the research on diaphragmatic breathing, with an emphasis on its ability to reduce cortisol and anxiety.

Belly laugh

This is such a joyful tip! I read it to mean that my new TikTok scrolling sprees are helping me manage my stress and anxiety, and I refuse to hear a word otherwise. Here’s my fav video lately, if you are in need of said belly laughs.

@louthechichi It’s The Lou New Times for me 🤣👏 #CANCELMONDAY ♬ original sound - Lorena Pages

But ok just so you know this one is legit, here’s an intensive longitudinal study from the Division of Clinical Psychology and Epidemiology at the University of Basel, which clearly found that “the frequency of laughter attenuated the association between stressful events and subsequent stress symptoms.”

What are some other tips for dealing with stress?

An unexpected part of the book was how little of it was devoted to “burnout” as I’m familiar with the term, and how much else it covered as it relates to living a life rooted in wellbeing. The first few chapters helped me understand unlocking the stress cycle; the rest weighed in on common challenges of being raised as a woman in just about all societies, how these challenges lead to “stress” (or perhaps better put: “excess cognitive load”) in all areas of life.

This was the part of the book my therapist really wanted me to read. And while I, having taken many-a gender studies courses in college, was already well-versed in the deeply unfair expectations most societies foist upon women, I could appreciate seeing a modern take on the idea and an infusion of positive psychology concepts to help readers start to move from a state of languishing in burnout to thriving in wellbeing.

A few of those areas that stuck out to me:

Align your life with a higher purpose or meaning

One of the best ways to build resilience against stress is to orient your day-to-day around people, ideas or causes that move the world in the direction you want to see. Many of us already do this, but in a way that fuels burnout. In the book, the authors deem this phenomenon “the human giver syndrome,” in which society raises us (mostly women) to feel like our highest purpose is to devote our time, attention and bodies to other people. This might look like planning the office holiday party, having and caring for babies, ensuring the family gets together regularly, cooking and cleaning, endless emotional support, the list goes on - all for free.

Connect socially, even when you don’t feel like it

I only wrote down one quote verbatim from the book, and it was in this section: “Casual but friendly social interaction is the first external sign that the world is a safe place.” What a powerful notion - that simple, warm interactions have the power to make us believe the world is fundamentally friendly toward us. The idea reminds me of a 2014 study I learned about in Yale’s “Science of Wellbeing” class, which found that, “even if you are reluctant to talk to a stranger, you and the stranger get a happiness boost after talking to each other.”

It also makes me think alot about the rise in anxiety we’ve seen correlated with the pandemic - imagine how many data points of safety our brains missed going from 40 hours a week of casual colleague interactions to zero. And for over two years. Do yourself a favor and get yourself into the flow of humanity on a regular basis. It will remind you that we’re all just that - human, and trying to figure it out ourselves.

Get effective rest

Things like high-quality sleep, plenty of time off from work, plenty of breaks in your day, and a normal 8 hour work day are critical to preventing emotional exhaustion and allowing you to show up and be a person that you’re proud of. I’ve recently gotten so much more serious about the quality of my sleep, thanks to the dawning revelation that it bears an outsize impact on the quality of my mental health (if you’re reading this Mom, feel free to say “I told you so”). If you’re interested in better understanding this area, consider getting yourself a WHOOP.

Use positive reappraisal to shift your mindset

When you’re going through hell, try re-framing the experience with some sort of mental dialogue like: “This stress is pushing me to grow and learn new skills. It’s uncomfortable now, but I’ll be grateful for it when I look back on this experience. I’m certain that, like with all previous pain, it will unlock new doors for me.” In my experience, this is minimally effective in the moment. However, I’ve been able to positively reappraise many painful past experiences now and authentically claim their happening as the basis for a success or accomplishment I enjoy today. Think breakups and job failures and low-grade depressions. Which makes the in-the-moment reappraisal ring a bit more true.

Build a dedicated self compassion practice

I can’t recommend the RAIN method enough for actively practicing self-compassion. It looks like this:

Recognize what you’re feeling - “I’m feeling stressed right now.”
Allow it to be there - “Anyone would feel stressed in this situation, it’s perfectly normal.”
Investigate with curiosity - “I wonder why this in particular is stressing me out so much.”
Nurture that feeling with the utmost compassion - “I love you, self, and I’m right here with you.”

“Unlocking the stress cycle” IRL

The above isn't everything the book has to offer, but it’s what I took away from it. If you, too, find yourself lamenting the unique form of stress and anxiety that comes from living in a patriarchal society, consider picking up “Burnout.”

What’s your favorite physical way to move stress hormones through your body? How have you been completing the stress cycle, perhaps without even realizing it? Let me know in the comments below.

What’s next: Friendship Series: Best Books Read in Quarantine

How to Be More Creative: 4 Lessons Learned From a Year of Lockdowns

March 23, 2021 by blue-sky-mind in Breathe, Read

Note: This post was contributed by writer and poet Cecilia Callas.

I’ve always thought of creativity as one of life’s greatest treasures. After all, we’re taught from a young age that to be creative means to be special: the best painting is held up in front of art class, the most descriptive essay is read out loud. And then, later: tech employees are encouraged to use “white space time” just to create, while business leaders like Steve Jobs have spoken about the role of creativity in their success. LinkedIn has even declared creativity as the single-most important skill in the world for all business professionals today to master.

Creativity often feels like treasure: something to be unearthed and protected. Something that, like treasure, we find ourselves coveting because of its scarcity.

Something that has a tendency to get buried.

But instead of being covered in grime, creativity is often smothered by pressurized layers of self-doubt and distractions; obscured by endless to-do lists and obligations.

So, when the world ground to a halt one year ago and time seemed to slow, I felt a careful shift. Where I used to have to hack frantically with a shovel to make contact with the elusive well of my creative juices, I now felt an easy bubbling. The cancellation of life as I knew it had created a vacuum: time was putty in my hands, and out of that putty, I created.

I wasn’t alone. I noticed that friends and colleagues were sharing more creative works on social media, and revealing talents that they had kept hidden beneath a veil of busy schedules.

But as the year went on and uncertainty hung in the air with a relentless, choking presence, I noticed that our newfound creative drive was not infinite. The pandemic wore on us: our mental health suffered. We got tired of doing the same old things. And as such, our creativity ebbed and flowed, sometimes feeling hopelessly blocked upstream.

During a period of creative stagnation, I couldn’t stop thinking about it: what, exactly, about this past year of pandemic helped us to be more creative? What made us less creative?

There seemed to be multiple factors at play: lack of access to others seemed to hinder creativity - but access to the self fostered it. Feelings of anxiety and depression, for me, felt like a cork stoppered in my creative flow - but I would also often turn to creativity to make sense of my emotions. Lack of external stimuli, and our excess amount of free time, also seemed to play a role.

But how did these factors work together to ignite - or extinguish - that creative spark? To find out, I surveyed 50 people from across the world to understand what made us more and less creative during the pandemic - and how we can carry lessons learned into a more creative future.

How to be more creative

Before we dive in, it’s worth noting that those I surveyed were mostly young professionals in their 20s and 30s. Therefore feedback, and this article, are based on the experiences of this background.

Lesson 1: Free time

Leading the conversation around pandemic-era creativity was the sudden appearance of copious amounts of time. The highest number of respondents (62%) noted that their “amount of free time” had positively impacted their ability to create. With their routines stripped back to the bone, many mentioned that those first few months of lockdown were like a shock to the system: no more obligations meant no more distractions from creative passions.

“Without the pressure of working daily, I was able to explore new realms that I had always wanted to try, like DJing and producing music,” Molly Barber, a San Francisco-based yoga instructor, said.

“These things had always felt like something I’d get to ‘in another life, maybe.’ But the lockdown offered me the opportunity to try, learn, make mistakes, and grow.”

The simple addition of more time had given us back what busy schedules had stolen: the capacity to daydream and play, and a propensity for deeper self-reflection.

However, too much free time was also a blocker to creativity. An abundance of time, whilst at first sounds like a glorious pool full of creative potential just waiting to be stepped into, also became a maze with us in the center, trying to find the motivation to feel our way out.

Why? We may not have been in the right stage of boredom. According to one study, there are five different types of boredom: in the “Searching” and “Reactant” stages, we’re motivated to search for a way out. But if we edge over into the fifth boredom type -- Apathetic-- we can sink into feelings of helplessness, disinterest and depression.

Those I surveyed seemed to follow this pattern, distinctly. As a result of the pandemic, participants noted having: ‘more time to actually think about what I wanted to learn and do’ and ‘more flexibility and time to be creative when working from home.’

But as more months passed in lockdown, some felt creativity slipping beneath the surface. Kali Pereira, a sales support manager in Los Angeles, described filling up her time with creative projects in those early months -- but then, noticed her creative drive faltering as she slipped into a more apathetic state: “After 4-6 months, some of that spark to make the most of the time did soften, and I find myself missing it.”

What we’ve learned:

As vaccine rollout programs progress and our lives edge closer to ‘normality,’ many expressed fears that tapping into creativity could become more difficult under the weight of increased constraints on our time. To carve out the time in your schedule for creativity, try intentionality: wake up one hour earlier just to create. Set aside small chunks of time throughout your day just for daydreaming. Be ruthless in your dedication to the discovery of your creativity -- or risk it getting buried under routine.

Lesson 2: Isolation and solitude

In the living room of my London flat, there are three tall windows that overlook a park bustling with morning runners, mums pushing strollers, or socially-distanced groups of friends holding plastic flutes of prosecco as they lounge in the (rare) sunshine.

With this window to the world, at times, I’ve felt like I’ve never been alone. Other times, I’ve felt like I’ve been trapped in a bubble where no one can hear me, all of my words unsaid, my voice caught in my throat.

Solitude is both a kingdom and prison for creatives. On one hand, philosophers, artists and thinkers have always acknowledged solitude as means to develop inner wisdom. It is where we go to meet ourselves, and thus, some of our best ideas.

This is backed up by science, too: neuroscientists have outlined a process called “constructive internal reflection” which happens when our minds are not engaged with the external world and are instead encouraged to create new connections between complex thoughts.

On the other hand, this year has shown us that forced solitude can leave us crippled, hands outstretched towards the human touch that makes us feel seen. According to a recent study, research participants forced to endure ten hours of social isolation exhibited similar brain activity to those who had endured ten hours of food fasting.

Yes, you read that right -- the participants endured just ten hours of isolation. Many of us have now spent the majority, if not all, of the past twelve months in isolation, leaving me to wonder how we’ve been able to express creativity at all as we grapple with social starvation.

This paradox was echoed in my own research. On one side of the coin, 41% of respondents indicated that isolation and solitude had positively impacted creativity. Just a few unprompted mentions of the benefits of solitude included: “time to sit with myself without guilt” and “a deep listening to the body and heart’s calling.”

Arjun Desai, a marketer and blogger, captured his experience with solitude wonderfully:

“As we lost the ability to gather, I realized I needed to relearn the ability to gather with myself. And I found creativity to be the most beautiful expression of that time together with myself.”

However, almost the exact same percentage of people cited isolation and solitude as having a negative impact on creativity. It would seem, again, that creativity is playing games with us: we need solitude to be creative, but when it’s forced on us, we’re left feeling like we’re in physical need, grasping for nutrients provided by human contact.

For Kylee Lessard, founder of positive psychology blog Blue Sky Mind, isolation actually catalyzed her to create a way to meaningfully connect with others, helping her to feel more connected and in control of her feelings of isolation: “I started thinking about ways that I could use my blog to better connect with my closest friends during a period of isolation,” she said. This resulted in a blog series and multiple collaborations with other creatives that filled her with new ideas and allowed her to combine solitude and collaboration in a healthy, creative way.

What we’ve learned:

As we edge closer to busier social schedules, it’s crucial that we be intentional about carving out moments for self-reflection. Granted, declining social invitations after a year of social distancing sounds like the last thing any of us wants to do - but the research is clear: for creativity to spark, we must take the time for inner stillness to ignite the fire within ourselves. To balance social obligations with time for reflection, try dedicating a certain time every week (i.e. every Sunday from 3-5pm) for meditation or journaling. No plans, just pens.

Lesson 3: Mental health and overcoming adversity

Mental health and creativity are so inextricably linked that we can think of them as lovers embroiled in a tango, or foes in a game of tug-of-war: on one hand, poor mental health is a clear detriment to creativity. Writers and musicians in one study revealed that in times of stress, they don’t use their talents: that only when they are free from stress are they able to create. I experienced this myself recently: upon returning to a harsh, wintery lockdown after a period of mental openness over the holidays, I felt hopelessly uninspired, unable to find the motivation to write.

Those I surveyed could relate. When asked which factors negatively impacted their creativity, 52% of participants marked “Mental health state” as a detriment. Of his experience in the first months of lockdown, one respondent described: ‘I was lingering from the pain of my life effectively closing and the world we once knew was over. Depression soon followed - and that severely affected my creativity.”

When everything changed, loss and uncertainty hit our creative spirits, hard. Many of us were grappling with grief as we tried to come to terms with losing out on our plans and hopes for the year. And at times, this grief made it difficult to make use of the pandemic’s silver linings: even though we had more time to create, we simply could not find our creativity, that elusive treasure. We could not find the energy to even start looking.

Until, at some point, suddenly - we could. Battling and overcoming adversity, according to the authors of Wired to Create: Unraveling the Mysteries of the Creative Mind, can lead to the kind of psychological growth that is the perfect breeding ground for creativity. Many of those surveyed indicated that, at a certain point, creativity became a coping mechanism: a way to feel their way out of a labyrinth they’d be crawling unknowingly into.

“I tried to be more creative during the pandemic - it was a way to generate joy during a bad time,” Brooke Ewens, painter and co-founder of Australian company Gallant, said, noting that directing her focus into something creative helped her to enter a state of helpful mindfulness. “The satisfaction of completing a project and getting lost in the work kept me grounded and allowed me to escape from the doom and gloom.”

Other mentions from respondents about creativity and mental health included: “I was more creative when things were going worse for me - I used creativity to heal,” and “Instead of reading the news which only caused more fear, my goal became to create something that could bring joy.”

What we’ve learned:

Rather than it being something to discover, creativity can become a therapeutic practice that helps us cope as we try to make sense of the uncertain world around us. And as we all look to heal from a traumatic year, remember that creativity has healing powers. Throwing yourself into a creative project might be just what you need to make sense of last year’s loss and this year’s hope.

Lesson 4: Openness to experience and stimuli

For those who study creativity, one thing is agreed upon: creativity is all about making connections. Those connections happen when we’re stimulated, whether it be by self-reflection, our surroundings, or other people.

In ‘normal’ times, we sought out diversity in experience through travel, events or others. But during the pandemic, we’ve been forced to look for new ways to disrupt our familiar. When you strip back our daily experiences, previously rich in culture and collaboration, to the same day over and over again - where do we find the drive to create?

The shortest answer is that we seem to have gotten creative about how to get creative. We figured out ways of stimulating our brains when our usual sources of stimulation faltered.

The most popular sources of creative inspiration, by far, came from the natural world around us and the digital world in our devices. ‘Taking a long walk outside’ and ‘doing a state change for my brain’ and ‘watching the sunset every day’ were all cited as ways to get the creative juices pumping, while social media platforms like Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and Pinterest were repeatedly mentioned as ways to get new ideas for writing, visual arts, home DIYs, cooking and more. Those same platforms were also where artists shared their own creations, creating feedback loops that stimulated them to keep going.

Other newfound, important sources of creative inspiration included connecting with the spiritual world, connecting with the self, and connecting with collaborators and teachers virtually. It seems that even whilst we’re seemingly disconnected, we rise to the challenge of discovering new ways to connect with each other, ourselves, and our creativity.

What we’ve learned:

We’ve learned a lot over the past year: how to make banana bread. How to communicate with grandparents on Zoom. How not to panic buy. But we also learned about the resiliency of our collective creative spirit: how, even in our darkest and most monotonous of days, we’ll never truly lose our drive to create. How every person, even if he or she doesn’t consider themselves creative, can tap into that deepest part of themselves that yearns to express. How there will always be new sources of inspiration bubbling up from within us and around us, even if that means we redraw our treasure maps. And as we look forward to a different kind of future, we can rest a bit easier knowing that our creativity will always lay within us, if we sit with ourselves and think differently about how to dig for our creative treasure.

Cecilia Callas is a writer and communicator by trade and a poet and aspiring author by passion. You can find more of her work at @byceciliacallas on Instagram or @cdcallas on Medium.

when things fall apart pema Chödrön quotes

Getting Through Crisis with Quotes from Pema Chodron's “When Things Fall Apart”

January 24, 2021 by Kylee Lessard in Breathe, Read

"When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Hard Times” is the single most important spiritual text I’ve read to date. Shipped to me in the middle of a life crisis by one of my dearest friends, I’ve returned to the words in this book for every personal life crisis thereafter to lightly press my fingers to the powdery pages, trying to physically absorb the much needed wisdom and peace.

It’s hard to describe the relief I find in this book. As a type A perfectionist with high people pleasing tendencies, I suffer from myriad anxieties about how I’m falling short in life, even when life itself presents little evidence of such a calamity. I know I’m not alone in this ailment, and it’s largely what drew me to positive psychology in the first place and what continues to motivate me to share its teachings with others. This book has become a crucial tool in my toolkit for a calm, steady mind when anxiety threatens to blow me over.

Who is Pema Chödrön?

Pema Chödrön is an American Tibetan Buddhist fully ordained in the Chinese lineage of Buddhism, and the author of “When Things Fall Apart.” Prior to her journey toward monastic ordination, she was a school teacher and received her masters in elementary education from Berkely.

What is a monk, and is it different from a nun? I honestly didn’t know until I looked this up: Per Wikipedia, a monk (derived from the Greek words for "single, solitary") is “a person who decides to dedicate their life to serving all other living beings, or to be an ascetic who voluntarily chooses to leave mainstream society and live his or her life in prayer and contemplation . . . The word ‘nun’ is typically used for female monastics.”

I’m personally interested in listening to the advice of monks and nuns because I believe they represent one of the clearest lines to finding meaning in our world, which we know from work in the field of positive psychology is one of the five core elements of well-being. Not only that, but these spiritual leaders spend a radical amount of time in meditation and stillness, which means their brains are happier, make more disparate connections, and are more self aware and introspective.

According to the Pema Chödrön Foundation website, Pema is, “interested in helping establish the monastic tradition in the West, as well in continuing her work with Buddhists of all traditions, sharing ideas and teachings.” Chödrön has written several dozen books, and currently teaches in Canada. At the time of this writing, she is 84 years old.

How I Use the Quotes and Teaching in “When Things Fall Apart”

Like my anxiety medication prescription, I keep this book on hand to serve as “spot treatment” for life’s most challenging periods. It’s a tool in my toolkit that I can draw on when the waters get choppy, when it feels like the “rug has been pulled out from under me,” as Chödrön would say. It’s not an instruction manual for daily life so much as it is a menu to pick and choose from in the truly down moments. Consider the below the most popular items on the menu when I’m dining at Chez Chödrön.

“When Things Fall” Apart Quotes

The best way I know how to share my love for the things I read is to mark up the book while reading, type up the notes after, and start to piece together the salience of the words for myself, in order to package and deliver them to you. That’s what I’ve done here, so a quick disclaimer: The headers and bullet points below are either direct quotes from the book, or approximations of their essence that I’d captured in journal notes while reading. I’ve done my best to distill the quotes and their teachings to their core, so that you can take them and run.

Accept non-permanence and change

Nothing is ever solved.
Things come together and they fall apart.
Security is an illusion.

This is a relief. I, like most, have been conditioned to think that if i just work hard enough - for the promotion, that body, that extra degree - then my life will fall into place and I will rise to the ranks of those who’ve got it “figured out.” The truth is, we fall in and out of “good” state. Maybe multiple times over the course of one day, or perhaps our waves are more like months-long rollercoaster rides. Up in January and February, down in March and April. I’ve noticed this is the pattern my life tends to take. This is normal.

Relax into groundlessness

Give up hope of getting solid ground under your feet.
The middle way is our birthright: between certain and uncertain.
To relax with groundlessness is to relax with hopelessness, death.

“To be fully human and alive is to be completely out of the nest,” says Chödrön. What I take from this quote is that a fundamental part of being human is being deeply unsure and vulnerable most of the time... and being okay with that. Chödrön makes the soft but forceful argument that you’re not living fully if you’re too comfortable, if things feel too solid or certain. Part of living is facing the uncertainty of life - death, ultimately - and admitting that we’re hopeless to ever control it or beat it.

Suffering is normal and ok. It doesn’t mean something is wrong. It just is.

Relax with ambiguity, don’t reach for something to protect you
Hang out in the raw and tender energy

This is a relief. Just because I feel bad does not mean something is wrong. I’m allowed to feel bad. I don’t have to do anything about it (immediately). I can learn to co-exist with suffering, to not fear it’s inevitable presence in my life. In a way, I can make friends with my suffering, simply by relaxing with it and allowing it to be there, unadorned with distractions or musings. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I never know what’s going to happen (I just think I do, because control is an illusion). Might as well relax and hang out with this pain until something does. This is how I am trying to think about suffering when I cannot change the circumstances of its cause.

You are fundamentally alone. That is not a problem.

You can have a relaxed and cooling relationship with loneliness.

Nothing is wrong when you feel lonely or sad. It just is.

This is a relief. My whole damn life I’ve been chasing a romantic partner who will fill this seemingly inbred void of loneliness. If being alone is so painful, how is it not a problem? While we’re born alone, we physically depend on our caregivers to protect us until we’re able to protect ourselves. We learn subconsciously that other people equal survival and have a natural, life-long instinct to seek connection as part of an ongoing survival mechanism. As we mature and become more independent, we can learn that, while at least a handful of lasting, intimate relationships are very important to your happiness, you will not and should not seek to define yourself by those relationships, nor a lack of their presence in your daily life. Thus, the relaxed and cooling relationships with loneliness.

Expose yourself to annihilation to build resilience

Meet disapproval with curiosity, like it’s not a big deal

How will we come to know that we are going to be okay, even when we perceive there to be no ground under our feet? By exposing ourselves to that feeling of groundlessness when we feel “solid.” This can be very simple in practice: Ask for constructive criticism at your job. Volunteer yourself for a hard workout. Try things where you know you’ll encounter failure, like starting a business or writing a book or learning a new sport. Journal about painful memories to look them in the eye and overcome their narrative hold on you.

Have fearless compassion for yourself and others

Be a good friend to yourself.
Gentleness through it all.
Enjoy fully without clinging (to jobs, relationships, your looks), release back to the ocean when it’s time.

Through it all, we must anchor on a deep and abiding love for ourselves and for others. In fact, that compassion for others can become the ship that carries us through the seas of pain and suffering. Chödrön recommends a meditation practice known as Tonglen, in which you seek to breathe in the world’s pain and breathe out warmth and peace for all of those afflicted. It’s a way to help loosen the tightness in your own chest, and build tenderness for yourself and others, she says.

I personally employ this practice when sitting with suffering. A time this summer comes to mind in particular...I was going through a personal conflict in the workplace and experiencing the greatest anxiety surge I’d felt in months since the coronavirus pandemic began; personal conflict and physical safety are my two most sure-fire anxiety triggers.

To manage it, I was re-visiting the words of this book, meditating on them, journaling through them. I’d seek to practice tonglen at the beginning and end of my day, just for a few breaths. I’d think about all the people in the world jobless, grappling with death, trapped in small apartments with young children they couldn't afford to feed or entertain. I’d breathe in their pain, their anguish, their hurting hearts. I tried to hold that pain inside of me and bear witness to it, really take it in. Then I’d slowly breathe out all of the hope, peace, and light that I could muster.

This practice helped me put my own suffering in perspective, allowed me to focus my gaze outward rather than inward, and left me with a sense of benevolence and a kind of connection with humanity. I find that my perception of connection and trust with other humans is often lost when anxious thoughts start to ping-pong around my head.

Open to your thoughts and emotions, don’t close

Be open and relaxed with what arises.
For egolessness: Notice opinions, then let them go.

I first learned the concept of opening to our thoughts and experiences (even, and especially, the tough ones) from my exploration of Michael Singer’s “The Untethered Soul.” We suffer the greatest form of pain when we resist pain or change. In order to process and neutralize our thoughts and emotions, we must first acknowledge them fully, approaching them with a relaxed and cool non-judgement. Chödrön recommends a process of acknowledging what arises, noting “thinking” in your own mind, letting the thought dissolve (rather than wander or pick up steam), and coming back to presence.

Relax and lighten up! Give yourself a break

Approach life with honesty and humor

This is such a relief! Perhaps the best advice Chödrön imparts throughout the whole book is to chill the f out. She gives us permission to stop taking everything so dang seriously. The job, the relationships, the kids, the looks, the places we need to be on time, the things we must check off our to-do list…all decidedly Not That Important compared to fearless compassion for self and others and a relaxed relationship with groundlessness. Laugh at yourself when things go awry. Smile at your own silly discursive thoughts. Breathe a sigh of relief that it all just is, and will continue to be.

More Quotes From Pema Chödrön’s “When Things Fall Apart”

I love supporting other high quality, mindful authors who delight in the same topics as I. Below, you’ll find three blog posts to further your reading and study of Chödrön’s wisdom through crisis.