Editor’s note: This article is part of a four-part series on the author’s relationship with alcohol, with all three articles scheduled for release in “Dry January” 2023.

In college, I was a part-time private investigator. Or, it felt like that sometimes. It was common for me to drink so much that I couldn’t remember how I got home, nor much of what I’d done the night before. Mornings were often about piecing clues together, gathering eyewitness evidence, and eventually revealing the evening’s events to myself. Often, the narrative was shaky, and there was much I hoped to forget even after it came to light.

The whole ordeal of my drinking was part funny, part cringe, part heart-breaking. I had a lot of fun in college; I loved getting dressed up, going out, and getting drunk with my friends at big frat parties where you danced the night away and never knew who you’d meet. Some of my drunken endeavors were indeed light-hearted and hilarious. Some were destructive, and came with real consequences.

At the time, it felt normal. Now, I’ll never know if my binge drinking habit was more a result of my excitement for a newly unbound college life, the pain I felt around my parents divorce at the time, or deep childhood feelings of worry and inadequacy. Likely, it was a mix of all three. I’d like to be able to say that “everyone was doing it,” and to some extent, they were. We were all drinking heavily. But I didn’t know anyone who felt as out of control as I did.

I’ve grappled with tough feelings about this time in my life for years and finally took some concrete steps to change my relationship with alcohol in the last two. This article is part one in a three-part series on my journey with alcohol. I found that investigating why people like alcohol in the first place, psychologically and bio-chemically, was a helpful place to start.

My story

Me, freshman year of college. I’m guessing this photo shouldn’t be on the internet.

I was in 8th grade the first time I had a sip of alcohol. I know because I wrote about the experience in my middle school diary. Thanks to maturing physically before most of my peers, I’d become popular with older kids in 7th grade, kicking off years of exposure to things I had no business being exposed to at that age. Of course, the high school kids interested in hanging out with 7th and 8th graders were not the straight-A students who played soccer and volunteered in their free time. These kids went to parties and liked to drink.

My first sip was just that; a sip. But it represented a quick slide into my first full drink just a few months later. I didn't even like the feeling that much, describing it as a state of nothingness, like being in a daze. But I quickly recognized the desire to feel it again, because it offered temporary escape from the emotions that accosted me at age 14. All I wanted was to be loved - by peers, by boys, by myself.

Thanks to my “popularity” among the older crowds, I quickly earned a reputation for being a party girl with parents and teachers at my high school. Occasionally, my friend Sara would tell me something her parents had heard about me through the grapevine, and my heart would sink. I grappled with the conflicting self knowledge that I was a good human, loving and kind. Godly, even. At the time, I read the Bible, journaled on its teachings, and prayed nightly.

Sure, I snuck out and went to parties and drank and kissed boys every once in a while, but it’s not like my life was in the gutter, I thought. I got straight A’s, participated in tons of extracurriculars, and had lots of friends across different groups. Externally, I was doing great. Internally, I was reaching for anything that would make me feel loved. On weekends, I sought it from the boys who offered. Those boys always seemed to have alcohol on them.

Why do people like alcohol?

My drinking habit started early and was undeniably problematic in college (more on that later), and yet, I had no trouble justifying it. My habits weren’t very different from those around me, and I could always name someone worse than I. Plus, there was so much that made sense about drinking for me. Here’s what science says about the reason people like to drink:

Psychologically rewarding effects of alcohol

It activates our rewards center

Alcohol has a powerful effect on our brain, particularly when it comes to how it makes us feel. When we drink alcohol, it activates the reward center of our brain which is responsible for feelings of positivity and even euphoria. This is the same part of the brain that’s activated by things like sugary desserts, words of affirmation, and money.

To this day, I still covet that first-drink feeling. For years, I’ve told people they’re lucky to see me at 1-2 drinks in (no more!), because that’s when I’m the “best version of myself.” I now find this statement problematic; why was I so quick to share that I didn’t love the sober version of myself? But in a lot of ways, what I’d claimed was true. After a few drinks, I’m lighter, quicker to laugh, slower to judge. I feel present and happy in the moment.

It calms our worry response

Alcohol can also help calm down our natural response to feeling threatened or in danger. It does so by interfering with the part of the brain that helps us recognize threats and decide how to react to them. When we're under the influence, we’re able to tell the difference between something that’s dangerous and something that isn't. This can make us more likely to approach potentially risky situations and less likely to avoid them. As a result, we may feel more comfortable socializing and interacting with others while drinking.

There’s certainly something to be said about the loosened inhibitions you can find at the bottom of a bottle of wine. As an anxious, type-A individual, alcohol magically wipes my worry slate clean and allows me to do things I wouldn't normally do, like stay out late or go to random party where I know few. Not every alcohol-fueled night turns into fun, but some do, and it’s enough to keep the whole endeavor exciting. That feeling of “I wonder what will happen tonight?” seems to add a wildish and youthful quality to life.

It’s a social lubricant

According to Robin Dunbar, Professor of Evolutionary Psychology at the University of Oxford, alcohol has long been linked to social bonding and community engagement. In fact, research has shown that people who regularly go to a local bar tend to have more close friends, feel happier with their lives, trust their community more, and are more involved with their community than those who don't have a regular watering hole. While it's important to note that this doesn't necessarily mean that alcohol causes these benefits, it does seem to be a contributing factor. Regardless, it seems that alcohol has played a significant role in bringing people together throughout history.

For me, drinking seems to be one of the easiest and most fool-proof ways to connect a bit more quickly or deeply with someone. In vino veritas, say the Greeks; “In wine, there’s truth.” Social connection has always been a driver in my life, and I love that a few drinks can help loosen the tongue and help those across the table dive into the deep end with me. It has also been the preferred pass time for former colleagues of mine and unavoidable if you wanted to be considered “one of the gang.”

It’s a whole-ass vibe

Pardon my gen Z speak (especially because I’m a millennial), but for real: a bottle of red wine in front of the Eiffel Tower, an Aperol spritz on your girls trip to Italy, that first perfect margarita when you touch down in Mexico, or a cold beer after a long hike - what do all of these have in common? We associate alcohol with the perfect moment. While we may not all have the same associations, we undoubtably have a few, thanks to what we’ve seen on TV and social media. For this reason, it can be hard to feel like certain moments are complete and worthy without alcohol.

The real downsides of drinking alcohol

For some, drinking is an unbridled joy. According to Dr. Andrew Huberman, there’s a small subset of people who perceive no negative effects from drinking, including hangovers and decreased mood. While these people are lucky to avoid the painful conscious effects of consumption, they are more likely to become alcoholics and still won't avoid the internal damage and long-term consequences, of which there are many.

Lucky for me (?), I am not the best version of myself after 2-3 drinks. I go quiet, turn red, get sleepy, and wake up with headaches and fatigue. Here are all the physical reasons I decided to re-evaluate my relationship with drinking:

Blacking out: If you’ve never blacked out before, it happens when you drink so much that the memory-making part of your brain is temporarily blocked from filing short-term memories into long-term folders. My black outs have netted me horror stories I shudder to think about.
Poor decisions: As you can imagine, loss of inhibition to the darkest degree does not bode well for strong-decision making. And those decisions can affect how others perceive you. In high school, I didn't make cheer captain because I was known to frequent parties. In college, my drinking habits earned me a temporary suspension from my sorority.
Hanxiety: If you’ve ever struggled with anxiety, drinking is very likely to trigger it. About 22% of all drinkers will experience anxiety alongside their hangovers, which closely mirrors the 19% of US adults that have an anxiety disorder. For me, the intensity is modulated by how much I drink. The more I drink, the more likely it is that my actions and biophysics are conspiring to make me feel like a terrible person.
Weight gain: I put on 15 pounds in college, exclusively from binge drinking (incl. binge eating after binge drinking). For someone with existing self-esteem issues, 15 extra pounds on my relatively small frame sent my disordered eating on a downward spiral. I experimented with purging on and off throughout college. Paradoxically, it was never the alcohol that made me want to puke; it was the self-loathing that came with eating 2,000 calories worth of food after a night out. Here’s how I used mindfulness to (finally) successfully lose weight.
Shit sleep: Only in 2022 did I make the connection between alcohol consumption, poor sleep, and poor well-being. It was all thanks to my WHOOP, a hi-res fitness tracker that gives you a sleep score every night. Without fail, alcohol is the single biggest detractor to a good night’s sleep, and it’s true for all humans globally. The only thing that’s ever caused similar poor scores for me was COVID, and that was just one night. One weekend bachelorette party can cause the equivalent of a body trying to fight off a nasty COVID infection. Learn more about how I optimized my sleep with WHOOP data.
Stomach problems: It’s obvious that alcohol messes up your gut, thanks to all the vomiting and bowel-related chaos that comes with a big night out. Drinking causes gut inflammation, which leads to leaky gut, gastritis, acid reflux, and more. But it never even occurred to me that drinking could be causing lasting damage to my gut. After being diagnosed with both h. Pylori and SIBO in 2022, I’m confident that my drinking habits in my early 20’s contributed to years of dealing with daily stomach pain.

So, again, why do we do this to ourselves? Alcohol is a deeply social drug, something that’s part of social gatherings from the first party you attend, whether in high school or college. The accessibility, paired with its chemically addicting nature, makes the substance both alluring and “sticky,” something that can be hard to get away from or stop partaking in. However, the negative effects tend to dramatically outweigh the positive for those who over-imbibe. And new research suggests that there are subtle external and major internal consequences for even moderate drinkers. We’ll get into that in my next post. Until then, I’ll leave you with this:

Why do you like to drink? And can you brainstorm a handful of other activities or lifestyle changes that might net you similar outcomes? No need to adjust any habits today. It’s just a thought experiment. But one worth trying, for your future health and self. Feel free to leave a comment with your reflections below.

Up Next:

Why It’s So Hard (For Me) to Quit Drinking

What Finally Convinced Me I Needed to Cut Back on Drinking

How I Actually Cut Back on Drinking (+ Tips To Get You There, Too)