A Great Recent Read: “How to Do the Work” Book Review

Every few years, I read a personal development book that fits like a key into a lock inside my brain. These books open up entirely new avenues of self reflection and growth, and it happened recently while reading Dr. Nicole LePera’s debut book, “How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal From Your Past, and Create Your Self.” My reading of the book happened to coincide with a new stint of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for chronic sleep issues and ongoing couples therapy with my partner of four years. Between these three channels of self-reflection, it feels like a breakthrough is brewing. 

A little bit about “How to Do the Work” 

Before we get into personal reflections, let’s start with some basics on the book.

About the author 

According to her bio, author Dr. Nicole LePera was trained in clinical psychology at Cornell University and the New School for Social Research. She also studied at the Philadelphia School of Psychoanalysis and counseled in her own private practice prior to leaving the field. Her frustration with the limitations of traditional psychotherapy lead her to seek out and draw inspiration from:  

• Established scientific fields, like neuroscience and cognitive behavioral therapy

• Emerging scientific fields, like epigenetics and psychoneuroimmunology (gut-immune-brain connection - I’m listening!) 

• More debated fields, like mindfulness, spirituality, and psychoanalysis

Between her traditional education and more exploratory studies, LaPera now practices what she calls a blend of these various fields, dubbing it “holistic psychology.” She gained her popular following via her Instagram @the.holistic.psychologist, which I’ve followed & vibed with for years prior to discovering her book in the window of Powell’s Books in Portland.

About the book 

I was attracted to this book for the same reason I write a blog on positive psychology. My whole life, I’ve had the niggling thought that I wasn’t as happy as I could and/or should be. That I inexplicably suffered from more unexplained sadness and anxiety than those around me. Positive psychology has helped me move the needle on my everyday sense of contentment, but it’s only designed to take people from zero to ten, from languishing to flourishing. It’s not the field to turn to if you need to work through real psychological shit. 

The phrase “recognize your patterns” is what ultimately got my attention. I, like many, have dealt with patterns of low self-esteem, high need for validation, and generalized sadness. I saw myself immediately in LePera’s personal recollections and experiences of her most frequent clients: perfectionism, hyper achievement, constant traveling, insomnia, anxiety, shame-based narratives, physical dysregulation. Finding a book with a unifying theory about all of these persistent maladies had me like a fish on a sharp line. I was hooked. 

Predictably, the book spends a lot of time discussing the influence of our childhood on who we become as adults, how their treatment and example affect our worldview and subconscious so dramatically. While not a novel concept, I found it well worth further engaging with the neurodevelopmental patterns of children to understand how even a relatively lovely childhood (like the one I experienced) can produce a lot of “work” in an adult. Here’s what I understood the crux of her point to be:

The main thesis of the book 

Little kids, especially from infancy to seven years old, just want to be safe, seen and loved. We rely deeply on our parent figures for these three things. The problem is, our tiny underdeveloped brains don’t have the finesse to categorize the things that happen to us outside of these three categories. Like a black and white film, they interpret the world and all that happens to them in binaries, as “safe or unsafe,” “seen or unseen,” and “loved or not loved.” When core needs are not met (or there is a perception by the child that a core need is not met), kids can develop a feeling that they’re not worthy of having those needs met. 

Let’s use an example: When a parent forgets to pick their child up from daycare, the 5-year old brain can’t comprehend that the adult is busy, tired, and capable of making simple mistakes. They may simply interpret the event as “not loved.” If this happens once or twice, it might not have a huge effect on the child. But similar to the idea of epigenetics, millions of micro moments like these throughout a childhood can flip the “loved” and “seen” switches on or off. Every “not loved” moment gets tallied subconsciously, and if there are enough, it may lead to a persistent feeling of unlovable-ness in the child. 

The emphasis of this book is not on blaming parents for the harm inflicted on their children. Even the best parents will make their child feel unsafe, unseen, unloved at times, explains LePera, because 1) they’re dealing with their own stuff and 2) meeting all of someone's varied & unique needs 100% of the time is near impossible. It’s both sad and comforting when LaPera assures her readers: 

“The majority of us feel unseen, unheard, and unloved, and we carry this pain with us throughout our lives.” 

There’s a lot of talk about trauma these days, and if you dabble in the mental health community, you might use the “big T” trauma and the “little t” trauma vocabulary. I think what LaPera is trying to tell us is that, even those without big T trauma (abuse, neglect, etc.) in their life still walk away with a lot of little t’s that we will unconsciously act on throughout our life. Or, we can choose to work on them.  

My experience reading “How to Do the Work” 

I found so much in this book to be highly relatable. It was to the point that I’d put the book down and think, “Wow, I had no idea anyone else but me thought this way.” LaPera writes about her childhood anxieties of home break-ins and her parents dying. In my own childhood, at maybe age 8, I would lay awake at night worrying myself sick over “bad men” breaking into our home to steal my mom and I away. I’d also have recurrent nightmares of my mom dying. On the flip side, LaPera writes about what she believes to be a young addiction to cortisol, rooted in the unconscious belief that life is supposed to be filled with wild rushes of emotion, whether positive or negative. I relate to this. For both of us, it showed up in a constant feeling of boredom as a child, as well as a gravitational pull toward risky behaviors as a teen.  

She writes about high-functioning anxiety and perfectionism and insomnia, which are three themes that have been emerging for me lately in both my relationship to sleep and with my partner. I found “How to do the Work” helpful in that it allowed me to further reflect on the moments in my childhood that may have made me feel unsafe (leading to hypervigilance) and unloved (leading to perfectionism as the main avenue for receiving it). It’s helped me realize that, even when I’m not in an acute state of anxiety, where my heart is pounding, vision narrowing & stomach in knots, I carry with me a persistent, low-level state of stress in which I’m seeking to bring perfection to every aspect of my life. And I’m not the type who’s picked just a few things I’d like to be good at. However consciously, I hold myself to the standard of perfection at work, in my relationship, with my health, within my friendships, and as it relates to my personal development, hobbies, and passion projects. It’s been said by many that you can’t “have it all,” and I think I’ve been striving to for my entire life, because there’s a part of my inner child that believes once I have “it all” and “it’s perfect,” then I will be happy. Then, I will feel safe and seen and loved. Oy. 

The last thing I want to do is blame my parents for any of the work I need to do today. They were going through so much together when my brothers and I were young, and I have nothing but love and empathy for them today. We remain deeply close. And yet, I’m finding it helpful and therapeutic to identify certain patterns in my childhood that left me with a lifetime of challenge. Not because it’s someone to blame, but rather, it’s a way to pull up and out from blaming myself. Every therapist I’ve ever worked with will tell you that I’m really hard on myself, that I’m in a constant battle with myself over whether I’m a “good” or “bad” person. If I’m reading this book correctly, it signifies a deeply held feeling of unworthiness. And those feelings are typically rooted in the parent-child relationship. This book has helped me reflect on my childhood relationships and experiences with curiosity and empathy, opening up new avenues of healing.

My takeaways from “How to Do the Work”

Sometimes it’s fun to hear about individual reflections, and other times, you just want to know what I learned so that you can apply it to your own life. Thankfully, LaPera’s book left me with a few salient takeaways that I’m excited to pass on. 

1. Get out of autopilot. To get out of a situation, you must first become aware of the position you find yourself in. LaPera advises that we break “the spell of unawareness” by coming into the present moment and fully recognizing our patterns. Meditation, journaling, and therapy can be particularly helpful tools in identifying your own negative patterns. 

2. Build trust with yourself through consistent self care. So much of healing centers on the concept of self-love, and many of us have not intentionally invested in a relationship with ourselves. This type of self-care often starts with nailing the basics for wellbeing: movement, journaling, spending time in nature, connecting with others, and good sleep. LaPera says you can rebuild lost trust by making small promises to yourself and following through. I often do this with 20 minute workouts or forgoing gluten (which tastes great but hurts my tummy). This is a form of loving self-discipline that’s required for really taking care of ourselves in the modern world.

3. Learn your intuitive voice. Many of us have spent so much time listening to our parents, our friends, and the media that it makes it hard to understand what our own hearts, minds and bodies are telling us. LaPera urges us to learn what our own voice sounds like and learn to trust it over everything. Importantly, she says “the only person who can validate your reality is you. Your reality is valid because you’ve experienced it, not because someone or something external has said so.” Your intuitive voice is also an important signal in your healing journey; learn to ask “what can I do for myself in this moment?” when you recognize a pull toward old, unwanted patterns. 

4. Cultivate emotional maturity. The three parts to focus on here are: ability to 1) regulate your emotions, 2) tolerate others, and 3) communicate your emotional boundaries. Emotional regulation is how you notice your emotions as they arise & mindfully engage with them, letting them flow through rather than peaking and cratering with every passing feeling. Being able to tolerate your own emotions is the first step in being able to tolerate the actions and emotions of those around you, which gives you more power over your emotional state than those tied to the people around them. And establishing your boundaries without fear or shame allows you to maintain emotional regulation of yourself and others all the more easily and consistently. 

5. Accept that you will disappoint others. Speaking of boundaries, it’s critical to learn to be at peace with being misunderstood. As a recovering perfectionist & people-pleaser, this is perhaps my favorite takeaway of all. Part of being true to your intuitive voice and loving self-discipline practices will mean you disappoint others. Per LaPera, “When you are authentically you, you will encounter judgment & criticism. . . .These are just facts of life - a part of being a dynamic, individualized human. It does not mean that you are inherently wrong or right.” 

6. Find wonder & play. Many of us live with the implicit belief that life is hard and requires serious, applied attention to survive and thrive. While some of that is true, humans evolved to transcend and they evolved to play. There is something so healing in reflecting on our own smallness, our insignificance, as well as our connectedness. Similarly, the act of imagination and creation, especially when paired with laughter, is required nourishment for the human soul. A life without these two things will leave anyone struggling to do the work.

What I didn’t love about “How to Do the Work” 

It wouldn't be a proper book review without some authentic reflection on what I didn’t love. Here’s a few things that left something to be desired: 

• Some of the science is questionable. There was a weird moment in the book talking about the “nocebo effect,” in which LaPera cites two small studies to make a point about the body’s self-healing powers…it seems to get pretty meta-physical and outside the realm of science. Plus, with only two very small studies and anecdotal evidence, it felt like a distraction at best and a question toward her credibility at worst. Fortunately, there weren’t too many examples of this. 

• There’s a lot of repetition. Especially towards the ends of the chapters, she seems to be filling space by restating the themes of the chapter and some relatively unhelpful prompts for self-reflection. I’d prefer they were omitted & the book slimmed down. 

• There’s not a lot of “new news.” Especially for the existing psych lover like myself. While I didn’t learn new concepts, the book did help me connect some dots I hadn't been able to before, and that was helpful.

• It addresses a lot of topics at surface level. LaPera tries to connect a lot of disparate topics in the book, but does so in a way that often feels like a “drive-by.” A concept is introduced, maybe explained in a sentence, and then moved on from. If you are looking for more of a deep dive on any psychological concept, you’re unlikely to find that here. 

That said, I’ve recommended this book to at least 10 people in the last few months. And I’ll continue to do so for anyone struggling with some of the patterns the book focuses on, like anxiety and perfectionism. It was a powerful read and extra useful when paired with therapeutic support. 

Have you read “How to Do the Work?” Let me know your thoughts on it in the comments! 

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Best Books Read in the Q, by Friends

We’re friends of all things books and libraries here at Blue Sky Mind, so it was all but inevitable that I’d ask my closest people to share their favorite books from 2020 with me. 

In keeping with the spirit of The Friendship Series, I’ll take a quick moment to reflect on who these friends are: they - like me - are a group of college-educated, millennial-aged humans seeking to carve out their space in the world and make a meaningful impact. Many of them love mindfulness and meditation, like me. Some are writers and communicators by trade, like me. All are finding professional success and personal fulfillment in their own way, with all the requisite ups and downs that any true story will bear. They are infinitely human and always, aspiringly, good. 

Seeing their choices come together into distinct themes was just as fun as writing my own list of favorites; the themes tell a crucial story about the year we’ve just lived through - what became important to us, what resonated the most. Their choices paint a picture of 2020 in and of themselves. 

What reading offered in 2020

“I've read more this year than any other year in my life.” I certainly echo the sentiment in this quote from my friend Margaret, and know that many in the mindful community felt the same way. We turned to reading in the year of the home for both obvious reasons (more time, an escape from Zoom interfaces and news apps) and deeper ones. In 2020, books gave my friends:  

• The opportunity to reflect. On the self and the role one plays in an unequal society. On the unique experiences of neighbors and friends who look different than us. 

• Help achieving goals. To become more conscientious, more creative, or more financially secure. To gain a feeling of accomplishment and move forward in what was otherwise a very stagnant-feeling year. 

• A call to action. To bring to light challenges facing our nation and our earth. To give inspiration for change and a blueprint for action. 

• Perspective. On the hardships of bygone eras and other cultures. 

Best books friends read in 2020 

Below are my most mindful, flourishing friends’ favorite books of 2020. I’ve included the Amazon description next to the recommendation from each friend.  Where I’ve read the book and loved it myself, I’ve included a BSM stamp of approval, which indicates that I believe it to be a valuable read on your journey to a more mindful and positive existence.

Reflecting on diverse experiences

I was so proud to find that the largest theme from the community was around books on the experiences of traditionally marginalized people. These books contained poignant stories about being black in America, living and working through trauma and disability, and the struggles of immigrants, helping each of their readers gain critical awareness and empathy on the role they play in creating a more equitable, just, and well society.  

• “I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness” x Austin Channing Brown: From a leading voice on racial justice, an eye-opening account of growing up Black, Christian, and female that exposes how white America’s love affair with “diversity” so often falls short of its ideals. [[BSM stamp of approval]]

  • “It was poignant and relevant. I could feel the author's pain immediately and appreciated the self-reflection it required.” - Casey 

  • “It was a very relatable and easy book to read on a challenging topic. Austin and I grew up in the same decade in similar sounding mostly white suburban neighborhoods. It was eye opening to hear how different her life was as a black woman in that same setting.” - Jenny 

• “Behold The Dreamers: A Novel” x Imbolo Mbue: A novel about marriage, immigration, class, race, and the trapdoors in the American Dream—the unforgettable story of a young Cameroonian couple making a new life in New York just as the Great Recession upends the economy. [[BSM stamp of approval]]

  • “It really made me realize how much ease, structure, and privilege is in my life compared to immigrants that are arriving in America.” - Becca

• “A Little Life” x Hanya Yanagihara: The novel follows four broke and adrift college classmates as they move to New York in search of fame and fortune. While their relationships deepen over the decades, the men are held together by their devotion to the brilliant, enigmatic Jude, a man scarred by an unspeakable childhood trauma. [[BSM stamp of approval]]

  • “!!! It rocked my world. Tragically beautiful, I couldn't put it down. Made me think so much about how much of our human condition is based on how we frame things and what's going on in our minds, rather than based on our external conditions. It also reminds you that no matter what someone’s current situation is, you never know what they might have been through or conquered to get where they are, so compassion and kindness are always key.” - Jackie 

• “The Fire Next Time” x James Baldwin: A national bestseller when it first appeared in 1963, this book galvanized the nation, gave passionate voice to the emerging civil rights movement—and still lights the way to understanding race in America today.  

  • “It was extremely eye opening to try to put myself in the shoes of someone facing troubles so different than mine. Even though written in the early 60s, this book had lines that felt like they could truly be said today and that lack of progress is heart breaking . . . I had never read a James Baldwin book and it made me disappointed in our education system that he's not highlighted as one of the must-read authors in our modern day education.” - Mackenzie 

Accomplishing your goals  

Dr. Martin Seligman, founder of positive psychology, used research to determine the five facets of human flourishing: pleasure, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment. In a year where flourishing through pleasurable experiences and our relationships was made more difficult due to social distancing, some mindful individuals sought to find wellbeing through accomplishment. Self-help and educational reads like the ones below helped. 

• “I Will Teach You to be Rich” x Ramit Sethi. A personal finance expert shares an updated and expanded modern money classic for a new age, delivering a simple, powerful, no-BS 6-week program that works. 

  • “Just an excellent and practical personal finance book. I read like 2 books a year and I read this one in a week because it was so well-written and actionable.” - Will

• “Atomic Habits” x James Clear: One of the world's leading experts on habit formation, reveals practical strategies teaches you exactly how to form good habits, break bad ones, and master the tiny behaviors that lead to remarkable results.

  • “I was struck by the power of building, sustaining and rewarding yourself for great habits. One learning: create a mini loyalty program for yourself. Choose an expensive item, and pay yourself $5 every time you complete that habit. Triggers the reward center in your brain to reinforce you to keep going!” - Arjun

• “Wired to Create: Unraveling the Mysteries of the Creative Mind” x Carolyn Gregoire and Scott Barry Kaufman: Revealing the latest findings in neuroscience and psychology, along with engaging examples of artists and innovators throughout history, the book shines a light on the practices and habits of mind that promote creative thinking.

  • “It's nonfiction, with each chapter outlining a different element of creativity and what qualities make someone creative. I related to it so much, and it really helped me to understand a lot about my psyche and why I am a certain way -- and what will help me to be more creative.” - Cecilia 

Being called to action 

In 2020, nature seemed to turn on us. Climate change ravaged the Earth, and a deadly virus ravaged its human population. I think this category naturally emerged out of a desire to get back to basics and take care of both the planet and the natural human body. You might consider both books “slow media,” which will take longer to read than, say, a gripping thriller novel, but will deliver vital perspective about what ails us and the nourishment we require to move forward instead.

• “Farmacology: What Innovative Family Farming Can Teach Us About Health and Healing” x Daphne Miller, M.D.: A practicing family physician and renowned nutritionist brings us beyond the simple concept of "food as medicine" and introduces us to the critical idea that it's the farm where that food is grown that offers us the real medicine. 

  • “I'm really into it and it's blowing my mind. It's definitely something I particularly nerd out on, but the content is stuff that everyone should read.” - Linda 

• “The Overstory: A Novel” x Richard Powers: Winner of the 2019 Pulitzer Prize in Fiction, this is a sweeping, impassioned work of activism and resistance that is also a stunning evocation of―and song of praise to―the natural world.

  • “Hands down, it is one of the best books I think I've ever read . . . my last 5 years have made me incredibly shocked and concerned for the fragility of the early and humans’ forceful role in its demise; the Overstory threw that concern into overdrive. Never have I read something so beautiful, yet so harrowing at the same time. It should be required reading.” - Caroline 

Gaining perspective through different cultures 

New experiences are an important part of our happiness, which is always why travel has been a pillar of Blue Sky Mind. Though foreign vacations were off the table for many of us this year, it was awesome to see that my community still used books to “travel to” and learn about different time periods and cultures. 

• “The Girl With Seven Names: Escape from North Korea” x Hyeonseo Lee: An extraordinary insight into life under one of the world’s most ruthless and secretive dictatorships – and the story of one woman’s terrifying struggle to avoid capture/repatriation and guide her family to freedom. [[BSM stamp of approval]]

  • “Since we can't travel right now, it's a great perspective on another culture.” - Friend who wishes to remain private

• "The Nightingale: A Novel" x Kristin Hannah. This novel tells the stories of two sisters, separated by years and experience, by ideals, passion and circumstance, each embarking on her own dangerous path toward survival, love, and freedom in German-occupied, war-torn France. 

  • “To be honest, I didn't know much about the Nazi occupation of France before reading this historical fiction book. It was both educational and enthralling . . . and a great book to read in quarantine, as it really puts our position in perspective. Being forced to stay at home, safe in my apartment with a steady job.” - Margaret

If you’re sufficiently intrigued and plan to read any of these books, consider checking out from your local library (either a hard copy or a Kindle version are usually available!) or buying from a local, independent bookstore to support the institutions that need it most. For those who prefer to purchase via Amazon, I’ve linked each title above (using affiliate links, in full transparency).  

What’s the best book you read in quarantine 2020? Let us know in the comments below! If you’d like more content like this delivered straight to your inbox, subscribe to my weekly email digest.

A note on the art in this post:

ESCAPISM, 2021

oil on wood panel, 12 x 16 inches

Jenny Haught is an artist drawn to the unexpected beauty found in everyday moments. The Friendship Series inspired her to start work on a new series of paintings that explores the experiences and emotions faced during Quarantine 2020.

“The stack of books by my bed piled high as I used reading to escape my quarantine reality and travel through others. Reading for pleasure or for personal growth exercises and expands my mind in ways binging shows and scrolling my phone does not. Book club moved to a digital format, but still offers a monthly, focused discussion and proof-of-life check in with friends.”

Up next: My Favorite Positive Psychology Books

How To Balance Joy & Loss? A Young Creative’s Life In Fashion Provides Clues We Can Use

Note: This post was contributed by Bill Dixon, wise grandfather and former journalist.

Joy and loss. They go together more than we would like to admit. 

We pursue objects and experiences in hope of achieving joy. But all too often, the achievement slips through our fingers, leaving behind a sense of loss. If we are fortunate, we learn to accept that our joys are fleeting. And if we are really lucky, we find in ourselves the ability to hold onto our joys and put our losses into a healthy perspective.

Some of us need many years to make that discovery. I put myself in that group. Who am I? Kylee’s 70-year-old grandfather, whom she has asked to contribute to her blog. My first contribution is inspired by someone who found the joy-loss balance as a child and cultivated it for the rest of his life.

Bill Cunningham was a designer and fashion photographer who became a global cultural icon before his death in 2016 at age 87. I first encountered Mr. Cunningham’s work through the New York Times website, which posted his self-narrated videos of everyday life in the city for many years. These were a revelation, allowing me to experience New York through its changing seasons and clothing styles, played out on sidewalks and in parks. 

Each story was told with gentleness and wonder. When Mr. Cunningham’s memoir, Fashion Climbing, was published this summer, I ordered a copy.

What I found in the book was a man who combined creative brilliance with courage and hard work throughout his life. I also found lessons that I hope to apply in my life.

From loss, carve the path to a new joy

As he tells it, Mr. Cunningham fell in love with fashion as a 4-year-old. He started by wearing his mother’s dresses. When a vigorous spanking showed him the limits of that enterprise, he began designing costumes and staging pageants for family holidays. He found ample inspiration during weekly Mass, where he spent much of his time observing what fashions the women of his native Boston were wearing.

As soon as he was old enough, he went to work for a department store, where he learned how good clothes were made as he delivered them to the display racks. After high school, he enrolled in Harvard but was miserable. 

To the dismay of his parents, who had wanted him to become a priest, he dropped out and moved to New York. There he found a department store job and started making hats for fashionable women in his spare time. In less than two years, he built a successful millinery business. 

This was a pattern that he was to repeat throughout his life: He shrugged off a temporary loss and refocused his creative energy on bringing joy to others. 

Mr. Cunningham’s next opportunity came at the age of 21, when he was drafted into the Army and lost all that he had built. 

Persistence and joy go hand in hand

As he puts it, he was “heartbroken.” But instead of bitterness at his abrupt change of fortune, he found new inspiration. During basic training, he made a name for himself -- and got lots of punitive guard duty -- by decorating his helmet with flowers. After basic training, he was posted to France, where he took side jobs making hats for a Paris designer and organizing bus tours around Europe and North Africa for his fellow soldiers.

Mr. Cunningham says in the book that he was never one to dwell on a setback. Instead of focusing on the loss, he looked for the opportunity. 

After the Army, he rebuilt his hat business and became a leading designer. When hats went out of style, he became a fashion reporter, covering style trends coming out of the leading American and European designers. When his boss at a fashion magazine refused to run a Cunningham article that criticized on of the boss’s favorite designers, Mr. Cunningham quit and became a free-lancer. 

Hard work/hardship is its own reward

In the late 1960’s he sensed that fashion no longer was under exclusive control of the design houses and expanded his focus to people on the street. He spent the rest of his career chronicling both. And his focus was always on telling the fashion story his way.

He lived much of that time in a studio apartment, sharing a shower with other tenants and sleeping on a cot. He rode a bike all over the city. He did everything he could to live frugally because he believed that depending on money would destroy his independence.

And did he ever work. To chronicle the city’s evolving fashions he went out in all kinds of weather, and spent hours making sure he had the shots he needed.

It wasn’t an easy way to make a living. Thirty of his bikes were stolen or wrecked. He had to dodge the city’s notorious traffic, and once was hit by a truck. But he kept at it enthusiastically.

Mr. Cunningham’s life is full of examples of this extraordinary fellow making a creative success out of repeated setbacks and outright poverty. And doing it with grace. How does that happen? How does a Bill Cunningham hold onto his joy and put his setbacks into healthy perspective? 

Cultivate a sense of duty and frugal mind

I believe part of his success can be found in his faith. All those hours in church as a child shaped more than just his eye for style. They shaped a belief system that included duty to a higher calling. Fashion’s higher calling was to better the lives of everyday people, to give them “the armor to survive the reality of everyday life.”

Another part of his success came from his non-materialism. By not striving for a sumptuous lifestyle, he remained free to create authentic fashions and stories. If he didn’t get paid, that was the kind of setback that left his unique vision intact. 

What an irony that this faith-based non-materialist succeeded outlandishly in a field that is an exemplar of materialism.  And here’s the thing, if Bill Cunningham can do it, so can we.

Not without a struggle, however. Everywhere we turn, there is a new anxiety that can be remedied by spending money. A new sense of loss that must be eliminated for the sake of a joy that cannot be sustained. The effect is corrosive. 

Anxiety begets anxiety which begets suspicion and alienation. The more energy we spend on spending, the less we have to spend on our own lives, the lives of our families, the lives of our communities. The greater the alienation, the less engaged we are in the duties of citizens, in finding solutions to common problems.

Each of us can work to break the cycle of anxiety -- to tilt the scales in favor of joy. I try to do my part by setting aside time each day for activities that benefit others. Maybe it’s editing an essay about Romeo and Juliet for a grandchild. Maybe it’s going door-to-door in the neighborhood to build support for a safer street. Maybe it’s helping other volunteers build a woodworking shop to reduce isolation among senior citizens.

You will do your part, too, in a way that works for you. 

Perhaps, like Bill Cunningham, you will share scenes of joy that remind us of our shared (if fragile) bond of humanity.

My fashionista Grandma modeling a coat in the Barcelona airport, while my Papa (author of this post) looks on with wonder.

Next Up: Read What I Learned From "The Happiness Advantage: 7 Principles of Positive Psychology"