A Great Recent Read: “How to Do the Work” Book Review

Every few years, I read a personal development book that fits like a key into a lock inside my brain. These books open up entirely new avenues of self reflection and growth, and it happened recently while reading Dr. Nicole LePera’s debut book, “How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal From Your Past, and Create Your Self.” My reading of the book happened to coincide with a new stint of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for chronic sleep issues and ongoing couples therapy with my partner of four years. Between these three channels of self-reflection, it feels like a breakthrough is brewing. 

A little bit about “How to Do the Work” 

Before we get into personal reflections, let’s start with some basics on the book.

About the author 

According to her bio, author Dr. Nicole LePera was trained in clinical psychology at Cornell University and the New School for Social Research. She also studied at the Philadelphia School of Psychoanalysis and counseled in her own private practice prior to leaving the field. Her frustration with the limitations of traditional psychotherapy lead her to seek out and draw inspiration from:  

• Established scientific fields, like neuroscience and cognitive behavioral therapy

• Emerging scientific fields, like epigenetics and psychoneuroimmunology (gut-immune-brain connection - I’m listening!) 

• More debated fields, like mindfulness, spirituality, and psychoanalysis

Between her traditional education and more exploratory studies, LaPera now practices what she calls a blend of these various fields, dubbing it “holistic psychology.” She gained her popular following via her Instagram @the.holistic.psychologist, which I’ve followed & vibed with for years prior to discovering her book in the window of Powell’s Books in Portland.

About the book 

I was attracted to this book for the same reason I write a blog on positive psychology. My whole life, I’ve had the niggling thought that I wasn’t as happy as I could and/or should be. That I inexplicably suffered from more unexplained sadness and anxiety than those around me. Positive psychology has helped me move the needle on my everyday sense of contentment, but it’s only designed to take people from zero to ten, from languishing to flourishing. It’s not the field to turn to if you need to work through real psychological shit. 

The phrase “recognize your patterns” is what ultimately got my attention. I, like many, have dealt with patterns of low self-esteem, high need for validation, and generalized sadness. I saw myself immediately in LePera’s personal recollections and experiences of her most frequent clients: perfectionism, hyper achievement, constant traveling, insomnia, anxiety, shame-based narratives, physical dysregulation. Finding a book with a unifying theory about all of these persistent maladies had me like a fish on a sharp line. I was hooked. 

Predictably, the book spends a lot of time discussing the influence of our childhood on who we become as adults, how their treatment and example affect our worldview and subconscious so dramatically. While not a novel concept, I found it well worth further engaging with the neurodevelopmental patterns of children to understand how even a relatively lovely childhood (like the one I experienced) can produce a lot of “work” in an adult. Here’s what I understood the crux of her point to be:

The main thesis of the book 

Little kids, especially from infancy to seven years old, just want to be safe, seen and loved. We rely deeply on our parent figures for these three things. The problem is, our tiny underdeveloped brains don’t have the finesse to categorize the things that happen to us outside of these three categories. Like a black and white film, they interpret the world and all that happens to them in binaries, as “safe or unsafe,” “seen or unseen,” and “loved or not loved.” When core needs are not met (or there is a perception by the child that a core need is not met), kids can develop a feeling that they’re not worthy of having those needs met. 

Let’s use an example: When a parent forgets to pick their child up from daycare, the 5-year old brain can’t comprehend that the adult is busy, tired, and capable of making simple mistakes. They may simply interpret the event as “not loved.” If this happens once or twice, it might not have a huge effect on the child. But similar to the idea of epigenetics, millions of micro moments like these throughout a childhood can flip the “loved” and “seen” switches on or off. Every “not loved” moment gets tallied subconsciously, and if there are enough, it may lead to a persistent feeling of unlovable-ness in the child. 

The emphasis of this book is not on blaming parents for the harm inflicted on their children. Even the best parents will make their child feel unsafe, unseen, unloved at times, explains LePera, because 1) they’re dealing with their own stuff and 2) meeting all of someone's varied & unique needs 100% of the time is near impossible. It’s both sad and comforting when LaPera assures her readers: 

“The majority of us feel unseen, unheard, and unloved, and we carry this pain with us throughout our lives.” 

There’s a lot of talk about trauma these days, and if you dabble in the mental health community, you might use the “big T” trauma and the “little t” trauma vocabulary. I think what LaPera is trying to tell us is that, even those without big T trauma (abuse, neglect, etc.) in their life still walk away with a lot of little t’s that we will unconsciously act on throughout our life. Or, we can choose to work on them.  

My experience reading “How to Do the Work” 

I found so much in this book to be highly relatable. It was to the point that I’d put the book down and think, “Wow, I had no idea anyone else but me thought this way.” LaPera writes about her childhood anxieties of home break-ins and her parents dying. In my own childhood, at maybe age 8, I would lay awake at night worrying myself sick over “bad men” breaking into our home to steal my mom and I away. I’d also have recurrent nightmares of my mom dying. On the flip side, LaPera writes about what she believes to be a young addiction to cortisol, rooted in the unconscious belief that life is supposed to be filled with wild rushes of emotion, whether positive or negative. I relate to this. For both of us, it showed up in a constant feeling of boredom as a child, as well as a gravitational pull toward risky behaviors as a teen.  

She writes about high-functioning anxiety and perfectionism and insomnia, which are three themes that have been emerging for me lately in both my relationship to sleep and with my partner. I found “How to do the Work” helpful in that it allowed me to further reflect on the moments in my childhood that may have made me feel unsafe (leading to hypervigilance) and unloved (leading to perfectionism as the main avenue for receiving it). It’s helped me realize that, even when I’m not in an acute state of anxiety, where my heart is pounding, vision narrowing & stomach in knots, I carry with me a persistent, low-level state of stress in which I’m seeking to bring perfection to every aspect of my life. And I’m not the type who’s picked just a few things I’d like to be good at. However consciously, I hold myself to the standard of perfection at work, in my relationship, with my health, within my friendships, and as it relates to my personal development, hobbies, and passion projects. It’s been said by many that you can’t “have it all,” and I think I’ve been striving to for my entire life, because there’s a part of my inner child that believes once I have “it all” and “it’s perfect,” then I will be happy. Then, I will feel safe and seen and loved. Oy. 

The last thing I want to do is blame my parents for any of the work I need to do today. They were going through so much together when my brothers and I were young, and I have nothing but love and empathy for them today. We remain deeply close. And yet, I’m finding it helpful and therapeutic to identify certain patterns in my childhood that left me with a lifetime of challenge. Not because it’s someone to blame, but rather, it’s a way to pull up and out from blaming myself. Every therapist I’ve ever worked with will tell you that I’m really hard on myself, that I’m in a constant battle with myself over whether I’m a “good” or “bad” person. If I’m reading this book correctly, it signifies a deeply held feeling of unworthiness. And those feelings are typically rooted in the parent-child relationship. This book has helped me reflect on my childhood relationships and experiences with curiosity and empathy, opening up new avenues of healing.

My takeaways from “How to Do the Work”

Sometimes it’s fun to hear about individual reflections, and other times, you just want to know what I learned so that you can apply it to your own life. Thankfully, LaPera’s book left me with a few salient takeaways that I’m excited to pass on. 

1. Get out of autopilot. To get out of a situation, you must first become aware of the position you find yourself in. LaPera advises that we break “the spell of unawareness” by coming into the present moment and fully recognizing our patterns. Meditation, journaling, and therapy can be particularly helpful tools in identifying your own negative patterns. 

2. Build trust with yourself through consistent self care. So much of healing centers on the concept of self-love, and many of us have not intentionally invested in a relationship with ourselves. This type of self-care often starts with nailing the basics for wellbeing: movement, journaling, spending time in nature, connecting with others, and good sleep. LaPera says you can rebuild lost trust by making small promises to yourself and following through. I often do this with 20 minute workouts or forgoing gluten (which tastes great but hurts my tummy). This is a form of loving self-discipline that’s required for really taking care of ourselves in the modern world.

3. Learn your intuitive voice. Many of us have spent so much time listening to our parents, our friends, and the media that it makes it hard to understand what our own hearts, minds and bodies are telling us. LaPera urges us to learn what our own voice sounds like and learn to trust it over everything. Importantly, she says “the only person who can validate your reality is you. Your reality is valid because you’ve experienced it, not because someone or something external has said so.” Your intuitive voice is also an important signal in your healing journey; learn to ask “what can I do for myself in this moment?” when you recognize a pull toward old, unwanted patterns. 

4. Cultivate emotional maturity. The three parts to focus on here are: ability to 1) regulate your emotions, 2) tolerate others, and 3) communicate your emotional boundaries. Emotional regulation is how you notice your emotions as they arise & mindfully engage with them, letting them flow through rather than peaking and cratering with every passing feeling. Being able to tolerate your own emotions is the first step in being able to tolerate the actions and emotions of those around you, which gives you more power over your emotional state than those tied to the people around them. And establishing your boundaries without fear or shame allows you to maintain emotional regulation of yourself and others all the more easily and consistently. 

5. Accept that you will disappoint others. Speaking of boundaries, it’s critical to learn to be at peace with being misunderstood. As a recovering perfectionist & people-pleaser, this is perhaps my favorite takeaway of all. Part of being true to your intuitive voice and loving self-discipline practices will mean you disappoint others. Per LaPera, “When you are authentically you, you will encounter judgment & criticism. . . .These are just facts of life - a part of being a dynamic, individualized human. It does not mean that you are inherently wrong or right.” 

6. Find wonder & play. Many of us live with the implicit belief that life is hard and requires serious, applied attention to survive and thrive. While some of that is true, humans evolved to transcend and they evolved to play. There is something so healing in reflecting on our own smallness, our insignificance, as well as our connectedness. Similarly, the act of imagination and creation, especially when paired with laughter, is required nourishment for the human soul. A life without these two things will leave anyone struggling to do the work.

What I didn’t love about “How to Do the Work” 

It wouldn't be a proper book review without some authentic reflection on what I didn’t love. Here’s a few things that left something to be desired: 

• Some of the science is questionable. There was a weird moment in the book talking about the “nocebo effect,” in which LaPera cites two small studies to make a point about the body’s self-healing powers…it seems to get pretty meta-physical and outside the realm of science. Plus, with only two very small studies and anecdotal evidence, it felt like a distraction at best and a question toward her credibility at worst. Fortunately, there weren’t too many examples of this. 

• There’s a lot of repetition. Especially towards the ends of the chapters, she seems to be filling space by restating the themes of the chapter and some relatively unhelpful prompts for self-reflection. I’d prefer they were omitted & the book slimmed down. 

• There’s not a lot of “new news.” Especially for the existing psych lover like myself. While I didn’t learn new concepts, the book did help me connect some dots I hadn't been able to before, and that was helpful.

• It addresses a lot of topics at surface level. LaPera tries to connect a lot of disparate topics in the book, but does so in a way that often feels like a “drive-by.” A concept is introduced, maybe explained in a sentence, and then moved on from. If you are looking for more of a deep dive on any psychological concept, you’re unlikely to find that here. 

That said, I’ve recommended this book to at least 10 people in the last few months. And I’ll continue to do so for anyone struggling with some of the patterns the book focuses on, like anxiety and perfectionism. It was a powerful read and extra useful when paired with therapeutic support. 

Have you read “How to Do the Work?” Let me know your thoughts on it in the comments! 

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Up Next:

Managing Stress & Anxiety: What I Learned From “Burnout: Unlocking the Stress Cycle”

Getting Through Crisis with Quotes from Pema Chodron's “When Things Fall Apart”

Managing Stress & Anxiety: What I Learned From “Burnout: Unlocking the Stress Cycle”

“I’m back here again. I’m feeling so frustrated with my body, and insecure, and angry at myself for letting this take up so much of my mindspace. I want to be someone who doesn’t let social notions of an acceptable female body rule my life, but I can’t help but want to conform,” I lamented to my therapist.

 *Sigh* The conflicted state of mind for a woman never ends. 

 A few months ago, my therapist recommended a book to me. Although the book was titled “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle,” she’d recommended it in response to a recurring theme in our conversations: how stressful and unfair it feels to be a woman in our world. 

 The topic has come up for me in so many contexts: how being a woman relates to body image and self-esteem, to our romantic relationships and the emotional labor we put into them, and to over-work in the professional world. 

 I picked up the book a bit begrudgingly, because, at the time, I didn’t identify with the title. I didn’t feel burnt out at work, the context in which I’m most familiar with the term. I felt stressed about my body and anxious about my relationships and angry at feeling this way all the time. 

 I was surprised to find that this book could speak soothing words to those familiar feelings, and even set me up to better manage work burnout as it came down the road in my life. “Burnout” is not what I’d call a scientific book, but it’s intuitive and resonant enough that I really liked the tips in it. For your latest BSM book review, below are some of my biggest takeaways for managing stress and anxiety: 

What is the stress cycle? 

 While many of us have come to think of the experience of “stress” as a mental state, authors Emily and Amelia Nagosaki explain stress as being comprised of both a physiological (meaning: of the body) and psychological (meaning: of the mind) response. 

 The two parts of the stress cycle that we’re most familiar with include “the stressor” (something external, like a lion chasing you) and “the stress response” (internal, involving raised cortisol, adrenaline, and heart rate). 

While this is not where the stress cycle ends, it's where most of us find ourselves stuck, due to not “completing the cycle.” When you leave your body flooded with stress hormones for too long, it starts to show up as inflammation in the body. 

A quick primer on the subject from Harvard Health shows that, while acute (meaning: time-bound) inflammation is essential to the body’s healing process, chronic inflammation is when “inflammation gets turned up too high and lingers for a long time, and the immune system continues to pump out white blood cells and chemical messengers.” And this form of inflammation is linked to all kinds of diseases, like “heart disease, diabetes, cancer, arthritis, and bowel diseases like Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis.” So kinda bad. 

What does it mean to “complete” the stress cycle?

 According to the book’s authors, “completing the stress cycle” means helping your body physically process the stress response cocktail of chemicals (cortisol, adrenaline) in your body in order to down-regulate your physiology and clear out inflammation. The best ways to do this, they say, are physical in nature. I break down their top recommendations below. 

Exercise

I’ll have to hand it to the authors; there’s so much research validating the link between exercise and the reduction of inflammation. To name a few, one study published in Biological Psychology showed that steady-state exercise proved to be the right intensity for reducing mental stress and inflammation. Another study published in Behavioral Brain Research concluded that: “Long-term voluntary exercise appears to result in decreased anxiety-related behavior.”

It finally makes sense that, after an especially stressful day at work, I - an avowed “non-runner” with a life-long sentence of shin splints - will bolt out the door and run for an hour and call it a good time. 

Hug a loved one for 20 seconds

Ty and I thought we invented “standing snuggles” at the beginning of the pandemic as 1) a coping mechanism and 2) a great way to make use of the work-from-home era. As it turns out, this is an age-old secret for reassuring yourself that the person holding you is safe, and thus, you are safe with that person. 

One small but recent study by the Western Journal of Communications reported that daily hugging was “significantly” related to reducing inflammatory cytokines in the body. Another larger study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology found that female participants with “positive physical partner contact” (massage, in the case of this study) “exhibited significantly lower cortisol and heart rate responses to stress.” While neither paper is directly related to the idea that a 20-second hug will lower your stress post-stressor, directionally, the evidence seems to support this idea. 

Just cry

In trying to find research to support this claim, I stumbled on a fascinating article in Frontiers in Psychology, a peer-reviewed science publisher. It recognized the surprising frequency with which crying has been referenced as a cathartic and healthful practice throughout history. However, it argues that:

“Despite its pervasiveness, the popular claim that crying has intra-individual, and specifically, self-soothing effects, [it] cannot be uncritically accepted when considering the current state of the relevant scientific literature. The empirical record with respect to the question of whether or not crying brings relief and improves mood reveals highly discrepant findings.” 

I’d be curious to know in the comments - do you find that you feel better or worse after crying? More or less stressed and inflamed? 

Breathe deeply 

While there is a ton of research supporting this one, interestingly, it doesn’t resonate with me. I find it almost more stressful to focus on my breathing when I’m in a state of stress or anxiety. But I can admit that a few stabilizing, deep breaths - not necessarily meditation - can beat back a bit of stress or overwhelm in the moment. As far as the research goes, this article in the Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine journal provides a good overview of the research on diaphragmatic breathing, with an emphasis on its ability to reduce cortisol and anxiety. 

Belly laugh

This is such a joyful tip! I read it to mean that my new TikTok scrolling sprees are helping me manage my stress and anxiety, and I refuse to hear a word otherwise. Here’s my fav video lately, if you are in need of said belly laughs. 

@louthechichi It’s The Lou New Times for me 🤣👏 #CANCELMONDAY ♬ original sound - Lorena Pages

But ok just so you know this one is legit, here’s an intensive longitudinal study from the Division of Clinical Psychology and Epidemiology at the University of Basel, which clearly found that “the frequency of laughter attenuated the association between stressful events and subsequent stress symptoms.”

What are some other tips for dealing with stress?  

An unexpected part of the book was how little of it was devoted to “burnout” as I’m familiar with the term, and how much else it covered as it relates to living a life rooted in wellbeing. The first few chapters helped me understand unlocking the stress cycle; the rest weighed in on common challenges of being raised as a woman in just about all societies, how these challenges lead to “stress” (or perhaps better put: “excess cognitive load”) in all areas of life. 

 This was the part of the book my therapist really wanted me to read. And while I, having taken many-a gender studies courses in college, was already well-versed in the deeply unfair expectations most societies foist upon women, I could appreciate seeing a modern take on the idea and an infusion of positive psychology concepts to help readers start to move from a state of languishing in burnout to thriving in wellbeing. 

 A few of those areas that stuck out to me: 

Align your life with a higher purpose or meaning

One of the best ways to build resilience against stress is to orient your day-to-day around people, ideas or causes that move the world in the direction you want to see. Many of us already do this, but in a way that fuels burnout. In the book, the authors deem this phenomenon “the human giver syndrome,” in which society raises us (mostly women) to feel like our highest purpose is to devote our time, attention and bodies to other people. This might look like planning the office holiday party, having and caring for babies, ensuring the family gets together regularly, cooking and cleaning, endless emotional support, the list goes on - all for free.

Connect socially, even when you don’t feel like it

I only wrote down one quote verbatim from the book, and it was in this section: “Casual but friendly social interaction is the first external sign that the world is a safe place.” What a powerful notion - that simple, warm interactions have the power to make us believe the world is fundamentally friendly toward us. The idea reminds me of a 2014 study I learned about in Yale’s “Science of Wellbeing” class, which found that, “even if you are reluctant to talk to a stranger, you and the stranger get a happiness boost after talking to each other.” 

It also makes me think alot about the rise in anxiety we’ve seen correlated with the pandemic - imagine how many data points of safety our brains missed going from 40 hours a week of casual colleague interactions to zero. And for over two years. Do yourself a favor and get yourself into the flow of humanity on a regular basis. It will remind you that we’re all just that - human, and trying to figure it out ourselves. 

Get effective rest

Things like high-quality sleep, plenty of time off from work, plenty of breaks in your day, and a normal 8 hour work day are critical to preventing emotional exhaustion and allowing you to show up and be a person that you’re proud of. I’ve recently gotten so much more serious about the quality of my sleep, thanks to the dawning revelation that it bears an outsize impact on the quality of my mental health (if you’re reading this Mom, feel free to say “I told you so”). If you’re interested in better understanding this area, consider getting yourself a WHOOP. 

Use positive reappraisal to shift your mindset 

 When you’re going through hell, try re-framing the experience with some sort of mental dialogue like: “This stress is pushing me to grow and learn new skills. It’s uncomfortable now, but I’ll be grateful for it when I look back on this experience. I’m certain that, like with all previous pain, it will unlock new doors for me.” In my experience, this is minimally effective in the moment. However, I’ve been able to positively reappraise many painful past experiences now and authentically claim their happening as the basis for a success or accomplishment I enjoy today. Think breakups and job failures and low-grade depressions. Which makes the in-the-moment reappraisal ring a bit more true. 

Build a dedicated self compassion practice

 I can’t recommend the RAIN method enough for actively practicing self-compassion. It looks like this:  

• Recognize what you’re feeling - “I’m feeling stressed right now.”

• Allow it to be there - “Anyone would feel stressed in this situation, it’s perfectly normal.”

• Investigate with curiosity - “I wonder why this in particular is stressing me out so much.”

• Nurture that feeling with the utmost compassion - “I love you, self, and I’m right here with you.” 

“Unlocking the stress cycle” IRL 

The above isn't everything the book has to offer, but it’s what I took away from it. If you, too, find yourself lamenting the unique form of stress and anxiety that comes from living in a patriarchal society, consider picking up “Burnout.” 

What’s your favorite physical way to move stress hormones through your body? How have you been completing the stress cycle, perhaps without even realizing it? Let me know in the comments below. 

What’s next: Friendship Series: Best Books Read in Quarantine 

The Tao Te Ching Explained: 'Transcend Tense To Fully Be Here Now'

Kevin got me a copy of the Tao Te Ching on a whim in 2017. I think he saw it on Amazon and bought with one click, but to be gifted an ancient Chinese text on existential philosophy is still a special thing. I experienced similar joy upon receipt of the mind body and soul calendar my dad got me for Christmas last year.

This book took me a full year to read, but I think the way I consumed its tiny pages was perfect. Every night that I got a chance, I would read a verse or two and annotate the pages with thoughts on how it applied to my life. It was an interactive reading model and one that I enjoy, but don’t often get to practice given my propensity for borrowed books from the library. Their staff seem less thrilled when I return the book with my very thoughtful comments penned throughout.

The Tao Te Ching explained

Although I’m not sure a review of an ancient Chinese text is the sexy content that my BSM readers are looking for, I really like to write about books as a way to integrate the learnings into my life. For its tiny size, this book felt rich with wisdom. So without further ado, here’s the Tao Te Ching explained in my own words.

Who wrote the Tao Te Ching?

Lao Tzu, widely considered to be the father of Taoism. What is Taoism, you might ask? A quick Google search reveals the following from BBC:

Taoism is an ancient tradition of philosophy and religious belief that is deeply rooted in Chinese customs and worldview.

Taoism is about the Tao. This is usually translated as “the Way.” But it's hard to say exactly what this means. The Tao is the ultimate creative principle of the universe. All things are unified and connected in the Tao.

From what I gather, Taoism is a set of spiritual beliefs related to how one should live their life. It seems closely related to zen philosophy. Here’s a bit more on the subject:

And who was this Lao Tzu?

[He] was an ancient Chinese philosopher and writer. He is the reputed author of the Tao Te Ching, the founder of philosophical Taoism, and a deity in religious Taoism and traditional Chinese religions.

From my limited internet research, there seems to be much suspicion that -- like Homer of the Odyssey or (dare I say it) Jesus of the Bible -- Lao Tzu is a mythical character and that the Tao Te Ching was likely a compilation of many authors from the time of the 6th century BC.

Despite his mythology, there are some theories about the fabled Lao Tzu’s life. It’s posited that Lao Tzu was a friend and peer of the famous Chinese philosopher Confucius. You might know Confucius for such sage quotes such as “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated," or “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Many stories claim that Confucius sought out Lao Tzu’s advice from a young age and was deeply impressed with the older man’s wisdom.

The Tao Te Ching explained

In Chinese, “tao” means “path,” “te” means “virtue,” “ching” means “ancient text.” So this book is an ancient Chinese text that lays out the path to virtue (in the eyes of the likely mythical Lao Tzu). It reads something like the Bible from an ideas perspective, but with a definite zen/anti-establishment lean. Despite being contrarian for its time, it leaves the reader with a calm, soothed feeling, not agitation.  

The entire book is about achieving what Lao Tzu calls “The Great Integrity,” a global society in which we’re governed by strong morals oriented toward humanity, rather than capitalism. It gets vaguely political, which might be unexpected for some.

What I liked about it was that it’s primary call to action was around connecting with our roots in nature and communal groups of humans. Over and over again, it returned to the idea that people and humanity are largely good, which is an incredibly soothing idea in a world saturated with negative media coverage and widely divergent political groups.

Lao Tzu makes the case that, over time, society has been trained to believe that injustices and cruelties are simply part of our nature, which rationalizes why we must compete so fiercely for resources. Instead, he argues that human nature is fundamentally good, and that goodness begets goodness.

An example of my interactive reading model, as well as the layout of the verses and commentary

Thematically, the Tao Te Ching trends positive. The prose is rich with words like cooperation, altruism, nature, self-actualization, humanity, transcendence, the universe, tranquility, and oneness. Right up my alley.

Notably, it also gets into some interesting topics on the nature of reality, the ego, fragmentation of society and self, as well as our relationship with excess. These are all areas of struggle for me and therefore powerful concepts to explore through philosophy.

Read the Tao Te Ching if you like…

• Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

• Why Buddhism is True

• Rumi’s poetry

Writing quality and style

There are ~80 short verses in the book, perfect for beginning or ending your day with a sprinkle of mindfulness. The verses read like short poems and have been translated into simple, understandable prose.

The version I read includes commentary after each verse, helping make the ancient wisdom a bit more accessible. However, as a writer, I couldn’t help but read some of the commentator’s interpretations as somewhat vague and idealistic. He didn’t always do a good job surfacing the “so what” of each verse. Perhaps, though, some of the verses don’t have enough hidden meaning to surface anything more.

I think I started to annotate this book because the commentary didn’t always ring true for me, and I wanted to write in my own meaning wherever it came up. Reading is such a personal process, I would recommend this practice to anyone.

Useful stuff I learned from the Tao Te Ching

Something I’ve learned about myself through writing is that I’m far more comfortable sharing quotes from other people and commenting on them than I am producing “quotes” of my own. I’m sure this is a common feeling for many novice writers and also a symptom of digital remix culture, where it’s easy to borrow and build on ideas of another. Hopefully, you guys don’t mind.

Here’s my interpretation of some of the more powerful quotes I found in the Tao Te Ching:

“Craving the desirable loses contentment. The natural person desires without craving and acts without excess. By not doing, everything is done.”

When our talents are not appreciated, we endlessly seek affirmation. I encourage you to examine your cravings. Understand that cravings do not need to control you, because it’s not natural to be ruled by them. Be curious about your cravings and ask why you desire the things you do so strongly. Can you look for balance?

This quote seems to suggest that we strive for a life lived through the “natural expression of needs,” rather than “compensation for our deprivations.” To me, natural needs follow Maslow’s hierarchy (below). This quote is a really good reminder for me with my blog. I don’t need to seek accolades or record page views, just an internal feeling of accomplishment and creative expression.

“The wise are heard through their silence. Always self-full through selflessness.”

This quote makes me think of quiet confidence, which is a trait I so admire in others. It also seems to say: we want for nothing when we care for others. It’s interesting to turn this idea over in my head, that modesty might in fact help someone achieve self-fulfillment. I didn’t grow up valuing modesty, but as I learn and grow, the trait takes on a subtle glow. Selfless people are universally admirable and alluring in many respects.

“Because they do not delight in boasting, they are appreciated.”

When you boast or show off, it signals that you feel unloved. Most normal people (save manipulative ex-boyfriends and predatory salespeople) are repelled by obvious signs of such neediness. Instead, it’s important to keep in mind that hard work from a pure heart does not go unnoticed. I’ve been asking myself lately, how can I quietly help others?

“Transcend tense to fully be here now”

What a beautiful, lyrical way to remind myself to come into the present moment. The Tao Te Ching hails meditation as a way to cleanse the mind of daily, petty worries, so that it can be filled with more holistic, human content. “Our root is quietude,” says Lao Tzu. Return to it regularly, daily.

“You as your own heaven”

This phrase moves me, almost to tears. My heart aches for the fact that so many of us, most of us, do not love ourselves with conviction. It’s interesting to ponder why we as a society entrust so much of our energy to religious ideologies that may or may not be completely baseless, but struggle to invest in our relationship with our physical, surely-real selves.

I’m emotional as I think about what my own heaven looks like, my own reprieve from the world. If my internal environment could become that soft, warm, light-filled place, I would never need to escape anything ever again. This is what I might call a resonant phrase.

More interactive note-taking on our relationship to tech, purity of intent and meditation.

“When you merge with the universe, the whole world is attracted to you, discovering through you, its own security, peace, and good health . . . The world’s rhythms are our rhythms. To treat our planet with care, moderation and love is to be in synchrony with ourselves.”

One of the central themes in the Tao Te Ching is that there are three key human illusions:

1. We are separate from the Earth

2. The Earth is here for us

3. We are separate from each other

This quote offers a remedy to these dangerous illusions, illusions that have brought us to the edge of global demise by irreversible climate change. This blog isn’t really meant to be about my political beliefs, but it seems fitting to bring up in the context of a semi-political text of ancient Chinese philosophy. Even Lao Tzu understood that there would be a price to pay for our illusions of separateness.

So if we aren’t meant to be separate, what does it mean to merge with the universe? I don’t exactly know. But I think it’s an idea to be understood intuitively, not logically. Surely it’s rooted in the concept of oneness and finding serenity in your place as one of many, simultaneously everything and nothing. And if we are one with the universe, then we must take care of its contents (Earth, animals, humans) as we would care for ourselves.  

Other good Tao Te Ching reviews

• Understanding the Tao Te Ching (Center Tao)

• The Tao Te Ching by Laozi: ancient wisdom for modern times (The Gaurdian)

• Wisdom For The Ages In 'Tao Te Ching' (NPR)

• Analysis of the Tao Te Ching, with Connections to Other Traditions  (Medium)

• Classic Review: Tao Te Ching (Kansas City Public Library!)

Find your own virtuous path

Check out the Tao Te Ching from your local library or buy it on Amazon if you want to mark it up like I did. Put it on your nightstand and flip through a few verses in the morning or evening. It’s very nice to pair with your regular meditation practice.

Even if you don’t read this book, find something that you can return to regularly in order to reflect on your world, both internal and external. What I love about books like the Tao Te Ching is not that they’re page-turners, but that they offer unique perspective that both comforts and challenges. The words are like getting a loving intervention from your very caring mother: I love you, and I want you to be happy, so here’s what I think you should think about. That’s my invitation to you.

Up Next: Read Want To Be 10% Happier? Author Dan Harris Thinks He Has The Secret