Ty asked me a terrifying question this morning. It’s Saturday, and he’d just walked in from his morning workout. I was sitting on the couch, enjoying my weekend computer-and-coffee time.

“Hey, do you have some time to talk over coffee in like five minutes? I wanted to discuss something with you.”

I am immediately a baby gazelle on the savanna. My heart rate quickens and my vision focuses on a single point. My mouth goes a bit dry and my brain thinks: “He’s breaking up with me.” My mouth says, oh so casually, “Sure, why what’s up? It makes me nervous when you ask like that...”

I have baggage when it comes to this question. An ex of mine - someone who was battling mental health demons at the time - had an awful pattern of spending a blissful weekend with me only to call me on Monday night and break up with me. I’d cajole and plead with him and by the end of the call, we’d have “made it through,” but the pattern persisted for well over a month. Every time he wanted to “talk about something,” it was to break up with me. You could say this is the opposite of how to communicate in a relationship.

Ty assured me, still the baby gazelle, that it was nothing to be nervous about. He told me he was trying something new that would help prevent surprises in our relationship. At least, the bad surprises that no one likes to get. I gulped (audibly?) and did my best to return to my computer time with my thoughts afrenzy.

How to communicate in a relationship

Be intentional about asking for time

Five minutes later, he comes back to the living room. “Ok, I’m still nervous but what’s up,” I ask. He sat down and assured me he just wanted my full attention for an important conversation. A conversation about how his upcoming career transition would require him to tap into his support network, and that I being a big part of his support network, would likely be impacted.

He wanted to open the floor for a conversation about how we’d manage the upcoming strain of his job change together. And he wanted to make intentional space for this conversation, because both his career and relationship are important to him.

Expect & invite a two-way dialogue

It was a beautiful setup on his part, because I do have thoughts about this upcoming change in his job. He’s going to be taking on a leadership role at a high-growth startup, doing work at a level he’s never done before, with pressure he’s never felt before. Ty is already an extremely work-driven person, with a high degree of interest and personal drive in the realm of business. When you give him an opportunity to combine this intrinsic passion with a vested interest (ie. the opportunity to make money), he could downright disappear into a dark hole for three weeks at a time and be happy as a clam as long as he had a laptop and high speed internet connection.

While I’m wildly supportive of his ability to step up and take on a stretch role - even encouraging him to take this role over what could have been an easier option - I’m not naive. I know this new job is going to challenge our relationship. I knew it when I encouraged him to take it, and I know it now. It’s been a theme in our relationship from early on that we don’t have the same orientation toward work and working, in a way that makes it easy for me to get frustrated about the number of hours he puts in on a weekly basis.

So him making intentional space for a conversation about managing our relationship through the change was incredibly thoughtful. It allowed me to first reiterate my support for his decision and affirm the strength of our relationship. I’m truly so happy for him and excited to support him in the new job.

Reflect on what motivates your own feelings & behaviors

It also allowed me to reflect on the history of our challenges in this area and consider what I might ask for in advance to help smooth over the demanding nights. When I get grumbly about how much Ty is working, it’s usually for two reasons. One is admittedly selfish. The other, less so.

Sometimes, I want your attention and feel neglected when you choose to work instead of spend time with me.
Other times, I’m just worried you aren’t taking very good care of yourself, like when you work late and wake up early 5 days in a row.

Learn to negotiate

From there, we could have a productive conversation about mitigating some of these feelings for me. We talked about whether he perceives it as me showing care when I worry about his health or the amount of sleep he’s getting (he does). I asked if he wants my help influencing his behavior by showing care in that way (he does not).

Around my more selfish needs, I felt that there was space to make two asks of Ty.

I want a built-in 10-20 minutes of couch snuggle time every night. If you want to get back to work after that, you can.
I want as much forewarning as possible when you know you cant spend an evening with me, so I can make other plans and not be disappointed about not having a buddy when I want one.

Both requests were granted, and we both left the conversation feeling more connected.

Where good communication gets you

Weeks later, I’ll be honest in that this one conversation alone has not mitigated all conflict related to our differing opinions of how many hours of work is appropriate to do in a single week. But the foundation of this first conversation has helped us root the following conversations in love and given us more of a shared language to use in discussion.

Ladies, send this article to your boyfriend. Let them know that there’s a script for these kinds of conversations. It only helps them make you feel better loved. Learn more about positive psychology and relationships.

Up Next: How To Make It Work: Relationship Advice for Couples

This is just one personal story, with a few great takeaways on how to effectively communicate in a relationship. For more in-depth advice on the topic, here’s an excellent resource from PositivePsychology.com.