“I’m back here again. I’m feeling so frustrated with my body, and insecure, and angry at myself for letting this take up so much of my mindspace. I want to be someone who doesn’t let social notions of an acceptable female body rule my life, but I can’t help but want to conform,” I lamented to my therapist.

 *Sigh* The conflicted state of mind for a woman never ends. 

 A few months ago, my therapist recommended a book to me. Although the book was titled “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle,” she’d recommended it in response to a recurring theme in our conversations: how stressful and unfair it feels to be a woman in our world. 

 The topic has come up for me in so many contexts: how being a woman relates to body image and self-esteem, to our romantic relationships and the emotional labor we put into them, and to over-work in the professional world. 

 I picked up the book a bit begrudgingly, because, at the time, I didn’t identify with the title. I didn’t feel burnt out at work, the context in which I’m most familiar with the term. I felt stressed about my body and anxious about my relationships and angry at feeling this way all the time. 

 I was surprised to find that this book could speak soothing words to those familiar feelings, and even set me up to better manage work burnout as it came down the road in my life. “Burnout” is not what I’d call a scientific book, but it’s intuitive and resonant enough that I really liked the tips in it. For your latest BSM book review, below are some of my biggest takeaways for managing stress and anxiety: 

What is the stress cycle? 

 While many of us have come to think of the experience of “stress” as a mental state, authors Emily and Amelia Nagosaki explain stress as being comprised of both a physiological (meaning: of the body) and psychological (meaning: of the mind) response. 

 The two parts of the stress cycle that we’re most familiar with include “the stressor” (something external, like a lion chasing you) and “the stress response” (internal, involving raised cortisol, adrenaline, and heart rate). 

While this is not where the stress cycle ends, it's where most of us find ourselves stuck, due to not “completing the cycle.” When you leave your body flooded with stress hormones for too long, it starts to show up as inflammation in the body. 

A quick primer on the subject from Harvard Health shows that, while acute (meaning: time-bound) inflammation is essential to the body’s healing process, chronic inflammation is when “inflammation gets turned up too high and lingers for a long time, and the immune system continues to pump out white blood cells and chemical messengers.” And this form of inflammation is linked to all kinds of diseases, like “heart disease, diabetes, cancer, arthritis, and bowel diseases like Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis.” So kinda bad. 

What does it mean to “complete” the stress cycle?

 According to the book’s authors, “completing the stress cycle” means helping your body physically process the stress response cocktail of chemicals (cortisol, adrenaline) in your body in order to down-regulate your physiology and clear out inflammation. The best ways to do this, they say, are physical in nature. I break down their top recommendations below. 

Exercise

I’ll have to hand it to the authors; there’s so much research validating the link between exercise and the reduction of inflammation. To name a few, one study published in Biological Psychology showed that steady-state exercise proved to be the right intensity for reducing mental stress and inflammation. Another study published in Behavioral Brain Research concluded that: “Long-term voluntary exercise appears to result in decreased anxiety-related behavior.”

It finally makes sense that, after an especially stressful day at work, I - an avowed “non-runner” with a life-long sentence of shin splints - will bolt out the door and run for an hour and call it a good time. 

Hug a loved one for 20 seconds

Ty and I thought we invented “standing snuggles” at the beginning of the pandemic as 1) a coping mechanism and 2) a great way to make use of the work-from-home era. As it turns out, this is an age-old secret for reassuring yourself that the person holding you is safe, and thus, you are safe with that person. 

One small but recent study by the Western Journal of Communications reported that daily hugging was “significantly” related to reducing inflammatory cytokines in the body. Another larger study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology found that female participants with “positive physical partner contact” (massage, in the case of this study) “exhibited significantly lower cortisol and heart rate responses to stress.” While neither paper is directly related to the idea that a 20-second hug will lower your stress post-stressor, directionally, the evidence seems to support this idea. 

Just cry

In trying to find research to support this claim, I stumbled on a fascinating article in Frontiers in Psychology, a peer-reviewed science publisher. It recognized the surprising frequency with which crying has been referenced as a cathartic and healthful practice throughout history. However, it argues that:

“Despite its pervasiveness, the popular claim that crying has intra-individual, and specifically, self-soothing effects, [it] cannot be uncritically accepted when considering the current state of the relevant scientific literature. The empirical record with respect to the question of whether or not crying brings relief and improves mood reveals highly discrepant findings.” 

I’d be curious to know in the comments - do you find that you feel better or worse after crying? More or less stressed and inflamed? 

Breathe deeply 

While there is a ton of research supporting this one, interestingly, it doesn’t resonate with me. I find it almost more stressful to focus on my breathing when I’m in a state of stress or anxiety. But I can admit that a few stabilizing, deep breaths - not necessarily meditation - can beat back a bit of stress or overwhelm in the moment. As far as the research goes, this article in the Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine journal provides a good overview of the research on diaphragmatic breathing, with an emphasis on its ability to reduce cortisol and anxiety. 

Belly laugh

This is such a joyful tip! I read it to mean that my new TikTok scrolling sprees are helping me manage my stress and anxiety, and I refuse to hear a word otherwise. Here’s my fav video lately, if you are in need of said belly laughs. 

But ok just so you know this one is legit, here’s an intensive longitudinal study from the Division of Clinical Psychology and Epidemiology at the University of Basel, which clearly found that “the frequency of laughter attenuated the association between stressful events and subsequent stress symptoms.”

What are some other tips for dealing with stress?  

An unexpected part of the book was how little of it was devoted to “burnout” as I’m familiar with the term, and how much else it covered as it relates to living a life rooted in wellbeing. The first few chapters helped me understand unlocking the stress cycle; the rest weighed in on common challenges of being raised as a woman in just about all societies, how these challenges lead to “stress” (or perhaps better put: “excess cognitive load”) in all areas of life. 

 This was the part of the book my therapist really wanted me to read. And while I, having taken many-a gender studies courses in college, was already well-versed in the deeply unfair expectations most societies foist upon women, I could appreciate seeing a modern take on the idea and an infusion of positive psychology concepts to help readers start to move from a state of languishing in burnout to thriving in wellbeing. 

 A few of those areas that stuck out to me: 

Align your life with a higher purpose or meaning

One of the best ways to build resilience against stress is to orient your day-to-day around people, ideas or causes that move the world in the direction you want to see. Many of us already do this, but in a way that fuels burnout. In the book, the authors deem this phenomenon “the human giver syndrome,” in which society raises us (mostly women) to feel like our highest purpose is to devote our time, attention and bodies to other people. This might look like planning the office holiday party, having and caring for babies, ensuring the family gets together regularly, cooking and cleaning, endless emotional support, the list goes on - all for free.

Connect socially, even when you don’t feel like it

I only wrote down one quote verbatim from the book, and it was in this section: “Casual but friendly social interaction is the first external sign that the world is a safe place.” What a powerful notion - that simple, warm interactions have the power to make us believe the world is fundamentally friendly toward us. The idea reminds me of a 2014 study I learned about in Yale’s “Science of Wellbeing” class, which found that, “even if you are reluctant to talk to a stranger, you and the stranger get a happiness boost after talking to each other.” 

It also makes me think alot about the rise in anxiety we’ve seen correlated with the pandemic - imagine how many data points of safety our brains missed going from 40 hours a week of casual colleague interactions to zero. And for over two years. Do yourself a favor and get yourself into the flow of humanity on a regular basis. It will remind you that we’re all just that - human, and trying to figure it out ourselves. 

Get effective rest

Things like high-quality sleep, plenty of time off from work, plenty of breaks in your day, and a normal 8 hour work day are critical to preventing emotional exhaustion and allowing you to show up and be a person that you’re proud of. I’ve recently gotten so much more serious about the quality of my sleep, thanks to the dawning revelation that it bears an outsize impact on the quality of my mental health (if you’re reading this Mom, feel free to say “I told you so”). If you’re interested in better understanding this area, consider getting yourself a WHOOP. 

Use positive reappraisal to shift your mindset 

 When you’re going through hell, try re-framing the experience with some sort of mental dialogue like: “This stress is pushing me to grow and learn new skills. It’s uncomfortable now, but I’ll be grateful for it when I look back on this experience. I’m certain that, like with all previous pain, it will unlock new doors for me.” In my experience, this is minimally effective in the moment. However, I’ve been able to positively reappraise many painful past experiences now and authentically claim their happening as the basis for a success or accomplishment I enjoy today. Think breakups and job failures and low-grade depressions. Which makes the in-the-moment reappraisal ring a bit more true. 

Build a dedicated self compassion practice

 I can’t recommend the RAIN method enough for actively practicing self-compassion. It looks like this:  

• Recognize what you’re feeling - “I’m feeling stressed right now.”

• Allow it to be there - “Anyone would feel stressed in this situation, it’s perfectly normal.”

• Investigate with curiosity - “I wonder why this in particular is stressing me out so much.”

• Nurture that feeling with the utmost compassion - “I love you, self, and I’m right here with you.” 

“Unlocking the stress cycle” IRL 

The above isn't everything the book has to offer, but it’s what I took away from it. If you, too, find yourself lamenting the unique form of stress and anxiety that comes from living in a patriarchal society, consider picking up “Burnout.” 

What’s your favorite physical way to move stress hormones through your body? How have you been completing the stress cycle, perhaps without even realizing it? Let me know in the comments below. 

What’s next: Friendship Series: Best Books Read in Quarantine